For years I’ve been afraid of fear. My main phobia is hands. How does an artist come to be so terrified of what she needs to use to create? And im not talking like an “ew, they’re creepy” fear, I mean full blown body shakes, nightmares, parinoia, the works.
and that’s only one of the endless list that i dont want to live.
There’s also heartache after constant heartbreak, the last one also the worst one, i just cant seem to recover from. Mainly because of the loss of my very first child.
There’s also having to choose between my parents, who divorced when I was 2.
My mother is a caniving controlling horrible abusive person who only got pregnant with my to keep my father around, which didn’t work because hes never here.
Every dream I’ve ever had I watched shatter before my eyes.
Plus my serious cutting addiction.
Apperently not deep enough to land me in the hospital, but effective enough to make me feel like….like my soul is part of a hot air baloon and its just floating away with my mind, emotions, thoughts…. until I look down and wonder how the hell am i going to hide THIS one.
I’m only 17, I feel like I’m at LEAST 39, and I feel used up, neglected, frightened, angry…..
Who can possibly live like this?
And more importantly out of all the times I’ve tried to end my life,
1) why can’t I so it?
2) why aren’t I on suicide watch,
And
3) doesn’t anyone care?
2 comments
I care. You don’t know me. We’ve never met. We probably don’t even live in the same state/country. But I love you, unconditionally and with all my heart. I tried to kill myself six years ago when I was 14, and I came very close to trying again this morning. Even though I can’t control my feelings, I have still come to realize that nobody deserves to feel this way. No one person’s reason for wanting to die is any more/less legitimate than another’s. If you need to unload, or just talk about whatever you want to get your mind off of things, feel free to reach out in a response to this post and we’ll figure out some way to get in touch. I’m not here to preach, judge, or give advice – just to listen. We’re all in this together <3
I care.I care so much it hurts.If I knew you,I would help you find the help you need.It kills me that ALL I can do is be here, and understand, and listen.But please!Know that people care.I remember being 17 and feeling 40.Facing our mortality at uch a young age will do that.Something I have learned in the almost-13 yrs since my failed attempt, is that having lived in that deep, dark pit of self destruction-I gained wisdom..It might not seem like much,but when you can share it, and see it work in the lives of others who have been where you are-its alot.For me,its a reason to keep living.