I just want the madness to stop…

I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything that could possibly go wrong in my life has to this point. In high school I never had a problem with friends or anything else. I was pretty popular and good at sports. It has done nothing but go down hill since then. I got arrested for a DUI last fall. That was extremely embarrassing and living in a town with 300 people in it only made it worse. I feel like I brought shame to my family. After that I dropped out of school because I kept failing classes. Now I have no money and no job. I do nothing with myself but think about how everything has gone to shit. Then things seemed to get a little better when I met a girl I really liked. This was the first person I had ever really had feelings for. My family has never been affectionate and I’ve never heard an “I Love You” from my parents. So I was scared and yet extremely happy with this relationship. She went to college in California last semester and I live in Illinois. We agreed that we would remain in touch with each other and just try to maintain a “friend” relationship while she was away at school. We agreed that we would then pick back up where we left off when she gets back this summer. Well, just the other day I hear that she’s in a relationship with some guy from California. Im usually one to never complain but this was the first time I’d ever had feelings for someone so it just absolutely crushed me. The past several months things have just done nothing but go downhill. I hate the person I’m becoming and I just want it all to stop. I’ve never had any desire to kill myself but I feel as if though I’m running out of options. I find myself thinking about death way more than I should and when I think about it it’s the only time I feel like I see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know how to make all this stop. All I want is to be happy again. I miss being happy. Its such a terrible feeling longing for that feeling again and feeling like theres no way you’ll ever be able to feel it again. When will it all stop…