I was clean

I’ve been cutting since 7th grade. In 7th grade is when I first got bullied, some girl called me ugly, I told her off, she got her friends to go kick my ass blah blah blah. I dropped out half the year and decided homeschooling would be better for me, but no. It got worse, it lead to cyber bullying. I went back in 8th grade thinking it would actually be better since new people will come in, it was actually way worse than the year before. Rumors went around and what not. I left half that year also. During that summer, I made a great friend. I’ve known him basically since 1st grade, but we never really talked ever before that. He started gaining feelings for me, I gained feelings for him. He made me happy. Confident. He made other people’s opinions about me not matter anymore. But of course I didn’t want to date him because I thought it would ruin our friendship. He left me for about 6 months, I finally got the guts to talk to him again on New Years. We apologized to Each other. Oh wait don’t let me forget how those 6 months were. All 3 of my dogs died, my grandpa died, I lost my sisters respect, I got abused, bullied, and had to deal with all of that by myself. Anyways, we recently became friends again. More than friends, we’ve been dating for almost a month now. I love him and all, but I just don’t feel love. It’s different than it was before. Last night all of his friends confessed to me that they all hate me, I said to myself “Why should I stay anymore?” I cut like a week before that because I was upset than ever. I also just cut 2 hours ago, because I felt worthless. So, I of course always want to be with him and hang out with him all the time. He has a girl bestfriend which is the problem. Let me just fucking say, SHE USES HIM. Yes he is rich, no I don’t like him for his money, I like him for everything other than that. I hate the fact that he is rich. It sickens me. I feel like he likes her more than he likes his girlfriend. So this little **** decides to put me on blast last night and brings all of her friends into it. I was bullied to the max. I took a bunch of pills and passed out to try to forget about it. It’s still stuck in my head and rotting there. I’d also like to mention how whenever me and my boyfriend do hang out he just wants to do sexual things. I feel like that’s all he wants out of me. I don’t know what to do. I tried to stay clean. I was clean for a year. But now everything just turned to chaos.