I’m Scared..

I thought that having a crush was normal. It is, but it’s not when that person is all that you think about. You dream about them. You daydream constantly about them saying that they like you the same way you like them. These things aren’t normal. I think I’m just fucking going insane. Trevor is honestly the only thing I can think about. He’s my safe haven, in a way. I focus on him instead of focusing on how much pain I’m in. I guess it might be normal, but it doesn’t feel that way. I don’t want to go crazy. I don’t want to tell the people I love that I hate them because the voices in my head tell me that I do. I don’t want to go to a mental institution where doctors don’t listen to me because they think I’m a hopeless case. I don’t want someone to find and read my diary like Garrett did. I don’t want anyone to know how I really am. I really don’t want to back to where I was, but I’m falling back there. Garrett’s gone. He moved on Tuesday. I guess I’m just gonna forget about him like I’ve forgotten about everybody else. I’ve forgotten how it felt when Trevor held my hand that day. I’ve forgotten how good it felt to smell his cologne. I’ve forgotten how good it felt to have the guy I like feel the same way about me. What I haven’t forgotten is the regret. The regret of not just pulling him into a huge embrace. The regret of never telling him how I felt. The regret of never telling the truth. The regret of hiding. The regret of wasted time. I don’t want to feel pain without hope anymore. But I don’t want to live for just this, either. I want to live for so much more. My best friend, Jamie, might have breast cancer. I can’t lose her… She’s all I have left. I honestly can’t take living without someone else. If someone else goes, I’m probably gonna go, too. I don’t want to live without someone else. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep. Bye for now…