I’m new here, but I’ve been following this site for a few months now. I triedÂ committing suicide almost a year ago. I wasÂ hospitalized for about 3 days before going into a psychiatric hospital for a week. It scared the hell out of me. I promised myself I never wanted to end up there again. The only people that know about this are my parents and my sister I was too ashamed to tell my best friend or any other family members. I did actually tell one friend from online but she completely laughed at me. Told me I was such a wuss Â trying to commit suicide and then telling my parents about it afterwards. I was scared. I tried overdosing on 90 different pills. I woke up (I was so upset it hadn’t worked). But a few hours later I started feeling very sick, headache, my lips were turning bluish, and I was so cold. I didn’t want to die a slow painful death.
Anyways I was doing good for a few months. I was on an anti-depressant. ButÂ the medicine made meÂ extremelyÂ hungry. All I thought about was food. I wanted off the pill but myÂ psychiatrist told me to just give it some time. By december I had gain 10 pounds so I decided the next time I saw my doctor I would tell him I wanted off it for good. HeÂ prescribedÂ me new medication but my mom hasn’t filled it in. She hates the thought of me being on medication since I’ve been on so many in the past for different health reasons. And she monotors my medication. I’m not aloud to handle meds what so ever and all our medication is locked somewhere. So I’ve been off medication since the beginning of December.
New Years is when reality sort of hit me and the depression came back. The reason I had tried to kill myself in the first place was because I was stressed out in school. At the time I was majoring in graphic design but figure out I didn’t want to major in it anymore. I wanted to drop out of my graphic class and my mom was upset. She started questioning me about what was I going to do the rest of my life, if you aren’t in school or working I’m kicking you out, do you want to work atÂ McDonald’s? It wasn’t just the stress and the pressure but also because I don’t have any friends (besides my best friend who has moved to a different country recently), I have sever acne, never had a boyfriend or been kissed, never had a job, not smart or pretty. I felt like a complete failure (I still think I am). This year I’ve taken a break from school. Only taking 1-2 classes a semester to try to figure out what I want to major in. But now that it’s time for me to transfer to a Uni I have no idea what I want to do still. Nothing interests me. And ever advisor has yelled at me or completely given up hope on me.
So now I’m back to my depressed and suicidal self again and I hate it. I thought I was going to be okay but here it is almost a year to the date of trying to commit suicide and I want to do it again. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m 20 years old. No job still, no idea what I want to major in (when I already have 60 credits), a burden to my parents, no friends, and also suffering from badÂ anxietyÂ lately. I don’t want to tell them because I know they’ll beÂ disappointedÂ and just worry about me. But I have no one to talk to. I hate myÂ psychiatrist- He doesn’t do anything but hand me medication.
At times I feel like I’ll be okay. I’ll transfer to a University figure out what I want to major in, meet some people, get out of the house, and be independent. But I’m so afraid! I have anxiety thinking about leaving my parents and my home. I’m afraid I won’t meet anyone and I’ll be even more depressed and actually go through with killing myself since my parents won’t be around.
I just don’t know anymore. I wish I had died that day so I won’t have these feelings anymore but at the same time I’mÂ grateful because I do love my family and they do mean the world to me.Â I’m so sorry this is so long.