Something To Say

Hello everyone. If your reading this,  then I assure you that right now I had forgotten this post. I wish not to remember my past, they had been changing me, transforming me, shapeshifting me, into such evil ways. I’m not evil myself, or at least I don’t want to be, but it’s come to a point now that I’ve become a whole different person from the experience I’ve been facing.

Although suicide is an option for me, I’m not planning to do such a thing so far. However, I do admire its benefits if I do take its path. But that brings a question, what does death feel like? Is there even a Hell? Heaven? Well I shan’t say, I haven’t been in those places. I can explain death, though. When you die, it’s much like sleeping. You can’t think, you can’t feel. Isn’t that lovely? Although you will cause some despair in the world, they will remember you. But they will carry on their lives, like you didn’t even exist. It’s part of life, and no one should take it as a punishment, but a reward. In this world I see, happiness leads to sadness, and joy leads to despair. You cannot be happy for the rest of your life. If you were, you cannot feel happiness at all. Love and hate will always stick on forever as long as reality exists. There is no joy in heaven, either. If you cannot mourn, you cannot laugh. If you cannot experience sadness, you cannot experience happiness. Heaven isn’t a happy place, but a place of rest. I cannot promise you rest will bring happiness, but I assure you peace if you go there. On the other side, Hell is something I cannot explain, I have incomplete knowledge of it, and I will not speak of it today.

Carrying on, I have a story. I’m not a foolish person, at least for me. I’m relatively young, in fact, I’m not so dramatic compared to others. This however, has gotten into me. I’m writing this to the internet, that I will not use my normal nickname, nor a real life name, nor any connection on who I am. It’s not important, and you shouldn’t worry. I question my God, why he has done this to me? Whenever I think about the bond, I’m saddened. This bond, I say, is in front of me, but also hiding away from me. I don’t think it thinks of me as an important entity. Thus, if I perish, it will continue on, and I don’t want to think about it, because it’ll make my heart heavier.

There’s been many lies, deceived people, and chaos in the world. Without it, we wouldn’t be the few who are actually happy. I’m telling too much, but I wanted to share what I learned from this experience. Will my sadness bring happiness? I don’t expect it, not at all for me. Because I’ve had emotional despair, and it changed me, but I don’t like the one who I am currently.

Sometimes, I just feel like going back into the past, changing what I should’ve done a year ago. More or less, it would make a dramatic impact. I do want to keep the things I learned about people, God, and experiences. I truly know what God I should follow, I’m considered a Christian general, but I’m more than that to that aspect. But before I carry on religiously, I’ll explain what I learned in those past 10 months. It’s been 10 months since I’ve been in this deep depression. Is this even depression? I ask myself. I don’t want to cause attention, or any worrysome feelings of people. I always had that feeling, my friends would give me that annoyed sound on Skype, that I’m being dramatic.

So I tried my best to keep it hidden, I use a fake smile, but it’s not one of those fake fake smiles. It was caused my laughter, I did laugh occasionally. I even acted a bit hyper on things, such as Guild Wars 2, Google Glass, Samsung Galaxy s4, and many other things. I have a terrible laptop, my keys are even missing. I don’t have the best gear, but it’s something that I have to face most of the time, and I was bothered by it. My friends, even sometimes mocks me for my sadness, but I feel that they underestimate it, I just try and keep it all in, no matter how irregular my heartbeat is, and how heavy it is that I’m holding. Sometimes, I scratch my arm repeatedly, thinking of the things that I hated the most, even thought about that never came to be. It’s gotten to the point of my arm, that it’s scraped, it burns, and it looks bruised. Though I feel that I deserve every bit of pain, but I feel it’s not enough for me, because it still makes my heart heavy. Recently I’ve done that, gladly no one asked how it happened. It was because someone has kept something from me that happened that day. After that someone went offline, I logged into the account which I made a long time ago, a yahoo account, to be specific. I had a sorrow time, or more like it, despair and anger. That someone has been doing, I don’t know why I’m fussing over it. The fact that one of my best friends has kept it away from me, which isn’t even my business actually, or that it happened? I’m curious, I ask myself. But my logical mind came to the point which I mocked myself for knowing. I had to keep it in myself, no matter how paintful it feels for me (not the physical pain). I ask myself, was it better to not know and stay curious? Or know and keep in the sadness that you have? I don’t know which path leads to the happy end, but I’ve chosen Option B. It’s come to the point in which I can’t go back now, I just want to become emotionless like I was 2+ years ago. I don’t want to experience love and bondness anymore. I’m not getting any of it, but I keep giving it to the same people, but no one takes it heartily.

As I’m typing this to the public view, I’m aware how ridiculous my post is, and I know people won’t take it seriously. I’ll laugh at myself in the future for being pathetic and dramatic I am. I don’t want to feel anymore, I’ve grown sick of it. For me to think in my much limited mind, I either have to die or get it back. But I can’t get it back, it’s too far away. Those stories, those movies, those magical movies, those wonderful-looking times. I wanted them to happen in my life, some supernatural event that I’ll take, something no one took before. But the same very things I’m doing now, how I feel, what I’m doing, what I’m experiencing, is the same, just in a different perspective. I don’t want the same things just in a different perspective, I don’t feel special.

I have always selfishly thought of myself as special and unique, but when I grew older as a teen, I’ve thought of myself as average. I’ve grown tired of the fairy tales, but I still want them today, because of such joy they bring. My Little Pony, even, is joyful. In the past day, I’ve been having a irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, dizziness, and tiredness ever since I peeked at the things I wasn’t allowed to know. I don’t know how to digest it, it’s too shocking for me. I don’t care about the TV movie that I wanted to see at the Hub anymore, that I will allow to pass as my life ends, or that virtual reality gaming console that I wanted to be invented. Or even, Google Glass, I don’t care how much Illuminati tracks me down, I want to experience it. The new age is coming, New World Order doesn’t mean that there will be new countries, or even countries merging together even. It means, for me at least, that our culture will be vastly different. It is different now, but in a way that the whole world is changed by it. If anyone’s still concerned about the Mark of the Beast; The mark on the right hand and on the forehead isn’t physical, but the dedication towards the beast. The right hand means works, and forehead means mind. Which means, that the mark of the beast will purely be mental. Who knows though, I’m just putting my thoughts here.

None of this I’m saying is truth, but just what I feel. I’ve grown tired of all this, and I’m babbling on in this post. I don’t exactly wish to seek help, or support, but wanted to share a story. All of this is not in order, and what I all said about what I had experienced is carefully worded so I don’t point out any specific situations I’m in. I don’t feel the need to, at least.

If none of this makes sense, then I understand. If this isn’t exactly a story, then I understand, because I’ve only told part of my story. My story’s not exactly worth it to tell, I’m not seeking help, but only wanted to share. I’m not in the mood to come back to the thread after I publish this anyway.

Farewell everyone. I hope you have lots of good things in your life, unlike mine, which I cannot explain in words.