Every day I wake up wishing that I hadn’t.
I’m always tired. That fatigue I feel cannot be cured by a good nights sleep or a nap. Sometimes I feel that it will only ever truly be satisfied by death. Does anyone know what that’s like?
To wake up every morning sick to your stomach because you’re alive?
But-I try to bribe myself out of bed. I know that I have to keep myself busy-constantly run my brain because if I stop-those thoughts will catch up with me. I desperately try to find solace in the world. Feel the warmth of the sun, watch funny YouTube videos, draw…Â but it’s like trying to put a bandaid on a scar-pretend it’s not there.
All it takes is one bad thing. Maybe a snide remark from my roommate, “You really don’t do anything, it’s actually scary”. Why, thank you, you dumb piece of sh-
…I don’t really leave my room. People make me nervous now. They look at me and when they do-they look right through me. I’m not like them. I don’t listen to house music or Justin Bieber-I listen to Slayer, Pantera, Cannibal Corpse. I’m the nicest metalhead girl you could meet-I don’t judge…but people judge me.
Does anyone know what that’s like?
I’m my own worst enemy. No one wants me dead more than I do. Can you understand that? I want myself…dead. I want to kill myself. I want to murder someone-I want to wring her neck until the life fades from her eyes-I want to drain the blood from her until she is cold-I want to throw her in front of a train-The person I want to kill, is me.
Does anyone know what that’s like?
I don’t want to survive. I want to live. I don’t want to fight through these hardships-I’m so tired-TIRED of fighting and struggling. And no matter who I go to, doesn’t matter what I say, I end up here everytime.
And nothing has changed.
6 comments
cool, i was to lazy to write down my feelings, so somebody else had to wrote it instead of me….
I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Could be both..
It’s probably both..
Christ, I understand you.
It’s horrible..