If anyone has read my previous posts, you’d know that I’m not really here for affirmation or advice to deal with a boyfriend, family troubles, friends, etc. I’m here to maximize my chance for a successful end, and I hope to find those who are able to give me advice on that end.
I have planned to leave by summer but am struggling to clean everything, put my affairs in order, etc. This is a must. I believe in a well-planned out suicide, so there will be no such thing as a short “crisis moment” or a poor decision based on a situational crisis. I need to lay out the bricks in advance, but it is so much work. Basically, I am too exhausted and depressed to put an end to this, which is quite depressing to say the least.
I have decided that I just cannot work full-time and try to take the steps to complete what I need to do prepare in the time frame I have in mind. I want to have a more flexible work schedule in order to sleep in, have people understand there is something going on, etc.
I need ideas though. What are some socially acceptable ways to ask for a more flexible work schedule? I am not willing to disclose anything related to health. What are some life circumstances that will allow this? Is this even possible? I am running out of time.
14 comments
Family issues.
Sick family.
“Cancer”.
Or you could just tell them that you have depression and are planning to off yourself, but would like more time to plan it out comfortably.
I second the family issues possibility.
People might ask why you want a more flexible schedule but I see no reason why you feel the need to justify that discussion to them. You say you want people to “understand there is something going on†so why not the truth or part of the truth and tell them you’re tired and need some space.
I’m going to be candid here and say I don’t understand your remark to “have people understand there is something going on†as it has a passive aggressive feel to it.
Along the lines “you should know what I’m thinking and feeling†especially when I don’t tell you. So I’m going to blame you for what follows
If people don’t notice, or notice but are convinced by what you say, then that will be their fault they didn’t understand this “something†that was going on. But at least you can be assured that they will feel bad about your killing yourself or maybe even better take the blame on to their own shoulders.
You want to create the grounds for a graceful exit then be honest
“understand there is something going onâ€
I want people to basically know that for work, that this is not my full potential. I have basically been really struggling at work, and want them to know that I need more time to complete my projects and to-do lists. I want them to know that I’m not intentionally being lazy. So I do want people to know that I am not doing my best, but not to be angry about it. However, I will not discuss health as it may lead them to feel that they “saw signs” after my departure. I want them to be innocent during this whirlwind, while allowing me to just get my head in the game and to move forward with my plans. I need to get going, but it is hard hard hard at the moment and I just need more time…
I know I’m not thinking 100% clearly at the moment, so please help me out. Why would they take blame or feel bad? That is a major concern of mine, which is why nobody in my life knows my plan.
Thank you though for your perspective as an outsider. I really aim to minimize harm. I am not blind to the fact that this will hurt people. I know that it will be a shock. I think what I’ll do is stick with my original plan to “go on vacation” a week before I plan to go through with it. I’ll just say I’m visiting friends, then use that week to clean up and focus on tying the ends.
I took my first step last week, I created a encrypted USB stick, which contains all my user IDs and passwords. My family can guess the password in 1-2 guesses.
This week I plan to create an excel sheet with my financials. In the coming weeks I want to get to the point where I’ve scanned all important papers.
With that done (ETA: summer), I plan to purchase a gun, step outside and use it on myself.
Wow, I have also used an Excel chart in this process.
The USB is a really good idea. I was planning on having my email on auto reply with my supervisors’ emails because “this email is no longer in service”. I didn’t even think about passwords for other things.
Also, most importantly, how do you have the energy to do all that?!!! I really need to get over the hardest part (cleaning and preparing) so that I can just relax knowing it will be over soon.
Everyone will be so appreciative
My intention is not to be cruel
I can understand preparing by having ones will in order and being even be considerate to how the body is found and who might find it.
I believe suicide is a very personal act and fully and solely about the person that commits it, and I know in almost all cases comes from a place of pain. Still having experienced the suicide of people I cared about ,no matter how personal the act is I am well aware of the pain that is left in its wake.
What upsets me about your post is the level of planning that you are engaged in, the secrecy behind you true feelings while hoping they “notice†but don’t notice and then add to that the method of blowing your brains out as their last image of you seems excessively cruel and even punitive to me.
Of the reasons to end one’s life the one I find abhorrent is the one with the secrete hope of creating pain.
Why do you have the impression of me secretly hoping to create pain? I really don’t get it…I’m not trying to be smart, just want clarity.
And I intend to use the Exit bag method if I can, not a gun. ******** would be best, but I’m plain and boring and don’t want to do anything illegal.
Also, I’ve been in and out of treatment for the past 13 years so this won’t be a surprise to close family and old friends. I try to be a normal person at work, and I’m just really concerned about causing more trouble than I wish. There is no secret desire to create pain. I think letting people know the specifics about the struggle and then committing suicide is more hurtful. The only reason I was thinking about ask for some time is because I am struggling to enjoy something like TV or even cute kittens leaping at butterflies these days…heck, even showering. I just need more time to do quality work and to prepare…
I’ve only been here for about 9 months. I’m 13 hours away from my closest family member so “hiding” this isn’t that hard from those who know me best.
I apologise if I miss understood your intentions and my reaction says more about me then you.
No matter how honest we are – how others experience what will say and do will always be filtered through their own experiences. No amount of preparation is going to change that.
As I said I believe suicide to be a very personal act and fully and solely about the person that commits it, and I know in almost all cases comes from a place of deep pain. I am sorry you are experiencing such pain. Pain wins too often.
I think asking for time to create some space is a very reasonable and don’t think you need any elaborate rouse or justification, which will only add to your own distress.
Now may be a time for simplicity and stillness and most people I think would respect that.
It is my hope that when you create that space you might discover a different path to the peace that you seek.
Again my apologies,
Deep Peace
of the running wave to you
Deep Peace
of the flowing air to you
Deep Peace
of the quiet earth to you
Deep Peace
of the shining stars to you
Deep Peace
of the gentle night to you,
moon and stars
pour their healing light on you
Deep Peace to you
— a Gaelic Blessing
If you were really broken, truly broken beyond repair, none of this would bother you at all. Hope can be a horror, can’t it? Lingering like grease under your fingernails that won’t come clean or a splinter driven full-long into your heel and buried there.
When the pain dissolves all together, when what comes after matters nothing at all, that may be another story. I may have a novel idea; I’ll tell you about it tonight.
Hm. It’s interesting yet ..unsettling to step into the minds of people who have reached a similar place as I.
A lot of good advice has already been given on taking time off from work. I personally like the sick family member one.
In the past, I used to have the need to plan things out, nowadays when I feel the need to go, I want to go *now*. I couldn’t care less l what mess I leave behind.
When you do take time off, I hope you spend as much time enjoying life as you do planning to exit it.