This is my first post. I’m  a 31 yo female, a cutter, overweight and ugly….I deal with the pain every day. My dad is getting on in years and he has been forgetting a lot lately, which makes me even more sad becuz I know that he has real reasons to be depressed and want to die, but he doesn’t. But maybe it’s cuz he forgot he wanted to. My pain is mostly from love.
In 2011 I met someone I fell in love with, hard, and I know he didn’t feel the same way. How could he, I’m me! But over all this time I held delusions while he fell in love with his soulmate. They fight n are not perfect, but every day the thought hoes through my mind, “why wasnt I good enough?”
It brings me back to thinking god gave up on me. I’m a failure at doing simple things like having people love me. Everyday I think of him. And everyday I think of suicide.
I’m an artist, kinda. That was our bridge I guess and I know I disappoint him that I feel so low in my talent that I don’t even try when we are painting. It frustrates him, and again I fail.
I bargain everyday in my head and heart with god and beg that we belong to each other, that I be the one that makes him feel like the whole world lives in my eyes, and my kisses are the sweetest, and my arms are the warmest. And I want to die. I cut myself, sometimes bad, but never enough to get through cuz I go into shock and stop. I tried to od. Once even at his house and I wouldn’t wake up for 48 hrs and I peed myself. But I woke up. Now I just throw up pills if I take more than a handful. For awhile I remember feeling peaceful, when I was in his house unconscious. I remember him saying angrily into my face, “get up. You need to get up” and there was such peace I felt. But it didn’t last. And everyday I still want to die, tho everyone tells me the same crap, it’ll get better, put your faith in god, you’re talented and smart, you’re selfish. Idc if I’m selfish. That’s the point isn’t it? I want to live happy and free and in love. But tasting his love and then seeing him live my dream with someone else, I question god and wonder, why wasnt I good enough. I still want to die. I only leave bed to shower and eat and such. I don’t go out or have friends. No one wants a depressed friend. So……
Why aren’t I good enough? I still want to die.
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This might not help you at all, but I’m going to give it a shot. You’re a painter, right? How about taking the time to paint something beautiful. Choose something you have always loved or admired, be it a summer sunset or a hummingbird. Just paint it, put yourself into that damn painting and finish it. Then once you’re done, marvel at it’s beauty, or at least the fact you created.
You might still feel ugly (We’re women, we’re never going to love ourselves), but your hands can create wonderful images and then perhaps you’ll see in time you’re not as worthless as you feel. I really hope you do come to see that in time, as I’d love to see some of your work. =]
It’s one of those situations where I create when I’m inspired, whether hate or joy. But it gets hard when you feel like every touch is a failure. Or a waste of time. For example, I bought ALOT of art supplies recently. I thought I could lift myself out of despair with creation. Then I got home and was disgusted with myself that I even wanted to try. It sounds stupid but the only time I want to create is when I’m with him, and that’s never now. I want to go to a park and just sit next to him and talk and draw……. Or lay around the house and paint. Even act as if he isn’t there, just his essence is what drives me. But then, I’ve always needed a muse for my art. Everything is just so dark now. I cry every night and wonder if I could just take enough pills to let go. Or even just sleep until I feel better. I actually saw a future where I could possibly settle, kids and stuff. Never felt that before. That’s why I think god hates me. It’s a joke. I’m a joke.
@The_Voice_Inside “We’re women, we’re never going to love ourselves.” Ha! That’s funny!
@nohope494 Hi! I’m sorry you’re going through this pain… and that you feel so bad. But you’re not a joke, dear. You ask yourself “why am I not good enough?” But think of it this way… If he can’t love and appreciate you, if he can’t love you for who are… is he really worth it? I’m sorry you’re hurting… but it’s no use to fall in love to someone that doesn’t love you back. You’ll just get hurt… You may pray that you’ll be with him… but that’s one thing God doesn’t do: He doesn’t influence people’s minds at others’ request. If that guy can’t love you, it’s pointless to suffer for him.
It’s hard when you don’t have any friends… when you’re alone… You say that you have lost your faith in God… You talk to him when you pray… But did you know that He talks to us to? He gives us advices to help us, tells us what to do in certain situations. Did you know that?
It sounds lame, but I see light in his face and smile, and the talent of his hands, the way he thinks and cares……. That is my view of the one I love. And it’s so intense I feel like god decided to tease me with some sort of sublime joke. I’ve never had a boyfriend and only been the chick friend or a lil more with benefits. No I haven’t slept around, because I am very old school, but to see such light and…..everythingness (not a real word) in someone else that exists apart from you, it hurts. And it’s not just my love for him, but the fact that I don’t amount to anything in anyone’s eyes. That no one looks at me and sees forever. Unrequited, and with that on top of my poor health, finance probs, bad luck/karma, no friends, and existing in a perpetual state of alone……that’s what makes me want to make every day my last. To go back into that peace I felt. So it’s over