Suicidal….

I’m 17 years old(will turn 18 this June),5″3,39 kg,underconfident,anxious,afraid,failure,looser,quitter……Ive been heavily suicidal for like five years now!!!
Mostly due to my academic stress….till highschool i scored great and was a bright minded geeky kid but for some odd reason i started to grow more and more fears and day by day the roots of those fears anchored deeply into my conscience and i ended up being a fiasco….i fail at everything….i cant reach out for even the simple mundane goals…apparently i am still bright and healthy but inside there is a neverending armageddon and mental anguish…I am dead…I’m just a breathing corpse without any genuine emotions and thoughts….I’m preoccupied by suicidal thoughts for like 24/7…..nothing ever pleases me….i wear a fake smile and hide myself under the disguuse of a quite shrinking violet whereas inside im cloaked in a dark shroud of depression and threats….I can’t talk to my parents about it…I CAN’T! I cant leave my house,i cant seek a medical help, i have no access to drugs,fire arms etc, im scared of immolation,slitting wrists(although ive been cutting my legs lately but the left over scars disgust me a lot),jumping off, drowning or hanging….i admit i AM a coward….anyway im relying on some sort of aspirin overdose,air embolism,”induced” cardiac arrest(if such a thing exists)
Ive posted numerous questions on various sites lately but i stopped Posting coz i believed that no one in the world would be caring to answer my stupid questions and before someone leaves a mean message i say again that i am NOT making things sound over dramatic or NOR am i seeking any sort of attention…all i need is a legitimate answer!
I have lost my self esteem,poise and equanimity….and with what still remains,my physical existance and self deception…i want to end it too and my quietus….
Two years ago i started writing a journal and i updated it every single night with the exception of recent several months….because i dont feel like it and to get my feelings down somewhere i use online alternatives from time to time
Im always bothered by the fact that why doesnt God listen to my desperate prayer….its like im not asking for an elixir of immortality, la dolce vita , a luxury mansion , a vaccation in hawaii,or fortune n fame….All i beg for is DEATH!!! I wanna die because im all in…im fed up of this dullsvile life….
I lived abroad in Middle East all my life untill last year that i moved to my native land and everything about this country is stupid and ***tty….
I do have friends and a caring family and im mindfull of the fact that suicide is extremely selfish and sinful but God…i cant help feeling this way and I hung in there for much too long…its exhausting….i want to end it all now….i want to die…