Isn’t it ironic? A young adult takes his life and his entire community is shocked, startled…sorry. The social media sites will be flooded with posts, somewhere along the lines of “RIP *insert name here* – you were loved and will be missed dearly”. Why does no one bother telling him that before it was too late? Why do people only start to care when the last breath struck his body? Some will answer: because they didn’t know. So what? Does a person need to be openly suicidal, in order to receive some love and affection? When did it become a heroic deed to remind the ones around you, that they’re treasured, that they’re beautiful? Why do only a respected few take upon this task?
A few nights ago, I made a list: a list of everybody who knows of my little ‘secret’. Twenty-four. 24 people know. Would you know, only two have not yet rejected/hurt/outcast me. But I could never ask them to help me out of this mess. One just lost her father and the other is struggling with his own depression. Surely there are some who cared at first, but have now become preoccupied with other matters, which I respect to the fullest. They think I have become better, recovered even. Truth is, I don’t think I have ever been so sad. I skip school to let my scars heal, just so no one at that hell hole makes fun of me. I tell people not to worry about me, but for some reason that’s all I want. I want someone to prioritize me for a change, check up on me, cuddle me and tell me it’s going to be alright, just the way I do with others. Part of me tells me I’m special, that I have potential to make something out of myself, yet the other tells me I deserve no help, no caring, no affection. Why will no one take my cries for help seriously? Am I just seeking attention?
In the past month, three friends of mine have lost a parent, two others’ are fatally sick. On top of that come two suicide attempts, one of my friend’s and one of mine. My entire grade suffered with my grieving friends, one hundred people: at their lunch tables, poking their food, looking down, not saying a word. While others were coping the thought that their parents will never embrace them again, will never see them graduate, I sat there wondering if people would react the same way if I were dead. It is a terrible thought to think in such a situation, but it is a terrible thought, thought by a terrible person. And I have come to the conclusion that they wouldn’t. Sure, my friends would maybe shed a tear or two, but if they’re really honest with themselves, they never really liked me that much anyway.
My girl friends may think I have so many guys to choose from. I don’t have  a single one. One lives six hundred kilometers away and doesn’t want to enter a long distance relationship, another says he will leave if I ever cut myself again, then again another is out of my league and my own boyfriend hasn’t talked to me in precisely two months now. I’m alone and I feel that only a boy can save me from myself. Four months ago I promised myself that if a guy would show some kind of interest in me or even ask me out on a date, I wouldn’t die this summer. Would you know, right now, my life seems to be ending this summer. I’m planning my death. A sick thing to do, right?
I do many sick things. I pretend I’m happy for my friends, when in reality, I loathe their happiness. I use my illness to lure in others. I throw my life away when others fight everyday to keep theirs.
I’ll never be a good person. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be happy.
And that sums up my future.
8 comments
Hey… I’m Ana, I sort of know how you feel…
I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to be alone, you don’t have to feel sick, you don’t have to feel like you’re an attention seeker ’cause you’re not s: everyone needs love and attention, everyone needs to know that someone cares and yes while others may have their own problems that doesn’t mean yours are any less significant
Please just know that you have a friend in me even if we have never met. I know I’m not a boy, but just know that someone would like to see you alive and to know you made it.
Anything you need, even if it’s just to talk, email me okay? I’ll listen…
Love,
Ana
Thanks Ana…my name is Alex…nice to meet you…I really appreciate your willingness to help, but I think I’ve come to a point where no one can help me anymore…but you’re seem like a really great person 🙂 thankyou 🙂
No need to thank me… just try… do different things in your daily life, change your routine
It’s natural to be thinking all those things – I do it.
You will never know what they truly think so you can’t just assume that they wouldn’t be as affected by your death as you would want them to be. Your death would ring out an effect far beyond what you’d expect. It’d plague the minds of people you’d never even thought of.
People create those pages because that’s the “decent” thing to do. It makes them feel better that, no, they didn’t try to help that person while living so maybe by making the RIP pages – it eases their conscience. It’s not for the deceased person, it’s for the people surrounding them. People in general are selfish – constantly thinking what they get out of any given situation. Some people are exceptions to this rule. They’re the ones who make the world go round.
People won’t take your cries for help seriously because the word “depression” and “suicide” has lost all meaning. It’s the signature of an attention seeker instead of what it should be. It should be an alarm bell and a symbol of trouble, but that’s not how it works unfortunately.
Those guys sound like arseholes – all but the one who would leave if you cut. You never know – it could serve as motivation. You shouldn’t have to depend on men to find happiness in yourself, but do whatever tickles your fancy. I suppose you can’t change the way you are. Have you ever tried meeting people elsewhere? Like apart from school – at places you like and enjoy? The mutual interests could help.
I think you might want to try therapy or going to a Councillor – I think it could benefit you dearly. I feel like you need someone to vent to and to converse with, without the fear of being judged.
You’re a better person than most from what I can tell and I hope you will be happy in the future. You have the ability to influence what happens, so make the best of it.
All the best. 🙂
Hi’m doing a report on depression and came across your post…kinda crazy that I saw your posting…there are literally thousands of sites out there and somehow I found your post. I read the entire thing and it almost put a tear to my eye. I have gone through my ups and downs in life but i like to think i’m a pretty optimistic person in life.
I dont really know what I can say that you dont already know. I agree with so much that you said, especailly about why people cant act like they care about their friends or family while they are still around. I can udnerstand why your bf said he would breakup with you if you cut yourself again, i had a gf that did that too and it was hard because you couldn’t do anything to stop her. It was long distance as well which makes it even harder cause then you really cant do anything to help her as a bf. just try to love her and show her how much love u have for her…sometimes thats not enough.
I hope that deep down in your heart you know things will get better for you. It will. you just have to give it the chance to. and think about it, if things are as bad as you say then life can only go up…right? well in theory.
Having a broken heart is the worst kind of pain out there and it will drive us to do crazy things, trust me i know. but weather the storm and it will brighter after.
I’m here anytime u wanna talk if u wannt talk
remember this quote….”things always look better in the morning” idk why but i like it.
So many judgments,
Everything being measured
Everything being quantified,
So overwhelming.
Surrender
Victim
Seek a path,
Time to stop.
Create space
Breathe
Refuse measure illusion
noonoo12 – that’s very kind of you to say. But, if I’m honest, I am a pretty terrible person, you’d understand if you’d know me better. And I do already go to a therapist, for a year now…sadly, I’ve just gotten worse. And about the guy, who said he’d leave me if I cut again…he is the one I hate the most. Really, it doesn’t serve as a motivation, it makes me feel like I’m doing something forbidden. It makes me feel like he will judge me if I ever decide to talk to him about all of that. And the only reason he says that anyway is because he thinks cutting scars look ugly and he doesn’t want to sleep with a girl, who has cutting scars. I don’t know, but maybe you have read ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ before, by Tennessee Williams…? The main character, Blanche, goes around and sleeps with men, just to feel beautiful and desired. She draws her self-confidence from how men perceive her. And that is exactly what I do. But thanks for the comment. I may have smiled for a split second there (and that doesn’t happen all too often). Thank-you stranger 🙂
zerocool – It really honors me that my post almost made you shed a tear. And see the thing is, I have four different guys of interest at the moment. The thing is, my own boyfriend lives at the other side of the world and only uses me to get horny. So, I go around and try to find a replacement for him. I guess you could say I’m cheating. And that’s what makes me such a terrible person. The guy who said he will leave me if I ever cut again is just a guy I met at a school conference. He wanted to come visit me in the summer, because apparently he’s in love with me. Surely, it’s a nice thing to do, but with me threats simply don’t work. I wish you all the best with your report and I hope this post gave you some kind of insight into the mind of a depressed person. It’s a pretty dark place.
@stillbreathing
There are rapists, murderers, liars and cheats in this world. That demographic of “terrible people” has been filled. You do not fit in there.
I’ll admit that guy does sound a bit forceful – none of those other men have any quality that you are looking for right now, so I think you should forget about them and move on to looking for someone new. You’re own “boyfriend” is just using you, so don’t feel guilty about moving on. They’re judgmental and selfish – it’s not going to work. But think about it, the guy only wants you to stop cutting so YOU can help YOU. I think that reason for it is just him trying to make it seem he doesn’t care when he does.
That comment about gaining self-confidence by having sex with men that you don’t know too well. I’ve done worse. I’ve done exactly that, but there’s a lot more that I’ve done that I shouldn’t have. I’m still very young and I know I’m getting closer and closer to the point of no return. My point is that you are definitely not a terrible person – so just think about it , OK? Think about all the people in your life and your future and general stuff like that.
All the best. 🙂