I’m such a hypocrite.
I talk big about staying positive and happy, yet I can’t find my own reasons for this. I’m literally so stressed out right now that I feel like I should just end my own life to end all this pain and torture.
Anything I ever do isn’t good enough. Whether it’s getting good grades, getting accepted to a good university, or to winning a sports tournament, nothing is good enough for my parents.
I’m a lazy person. That’s just who I am. A 17 year old girl that’s at the end of her senior year, who’s lazy and likes to lay in bed or in the hammock all day playing Pokemon. Coming from a family that actively plays tennis, my parents are constantly nagging at me for laying in bed and not wanting to go exercise or play tennis with them.
Truth is…I hate tennis. I hate it with the biggest passion. I hate how I’ve been forced to play it since I was about 3 or 4. I just hate exercising in general, and I’ve already accepted the fact that I’m fat because of this. Sure I may not be obese, but I’m overweight and I’m perfectly fine with my body. But no, this isn’t good enough for my parents.
My mom has got to be a bigger hypocrite than I am. She’s clearly twice my size and lays in the couch all day when she’s not playing her hour of tennis, but of course my dad (the one who’s always nagging at me to go exercise) doesn’t say anything to her because my mom’s like the “man of the house” and he won’t ever do anything that defies her.
Anyways, I thought I was stress free ever since I got accepted into college. Well, boy was I wrong. I’m probably the most stressed I’ve ever been in my entire life. I have to worry about doing projects for school, orientation for college, and now my sister’s forcing me to do some classes at a community college because it’s easier and cheaper than the university I’m going to (which by the way, she also attends) so now I have to take these classes before I go to university this summer. On top of that, I’m getting yelled at for not doing this myself (even though it wasn’t even my choice) because my dad favors my sister and is mad at me for making her do more work than she needs to. To wrap this all up, I have a school tournament tomorrow so I’m going to be missing two days of class. Normally people should be happy about this, but just missing one day in my classes is enough to get you lost. And let’s not forget…on Saturday, my dad dropped a ladder on my foot on accident so now I can barely walk. If I don’t play tomorrow, my team won’t make it to Regionals, which is just a higher level tournament. I also forgot to mention that thanks to my orientation for university, I’m going to be missing my finals week…meaning I have to take my finals earlier. Oh joy.
So now I’m alone in my room crying because I can’t take this stress anymore. I only slept an hour yesterday and to make sure I’m well rested for tomorrow, I tried going to bed at 8. Now I probably won’t get any sleep tonight. I wish that if I do miraculously go to sleep tonight, that I won’t wake up the next morning.
3 comments
I’ve learned something so valuable over the years, and I am still learning it. Life isn’t worth living if you aren’t living it how you want to. You need to do what makes you happy. And I say NEED, because it’s the only way to survive. I know it’s tough, because people put so much pressure on you. But seriously, would you rather live life happily and disappoint a few people or end it all? I mean, there really is a lot in this world to explore and enjoy. We just limit ourselves or let others limit us. The easiest way to reduce stress is to simplify. You don’t want to take the classes at the community college? Don’t. It’s your life. If you don’t want to play tennis, then don’t. If you’re comfortable in your skin, then don’t let someone else try and convince you otherwise. Live for you and no one else. Any other kind of life just isn’t worth living. I’m so sorry you’re in that situation. Please don’t end it, because of other people.
Sorry you’re feeling bad.
Laying around playing Pokemon sounds fun to me!
You’re 17. You’re almost at that point where if you really don’t want to deal with your family any more, you don’t have to. Are they providing you with tuition and stuff for your education though? If they are then obviously you have some important decisions to make. You can move out if you really want to, get a job to support yourself, and either use loans to attend school or not go to school at all. Working and keeping yourself going probably won’t be any less stressful than what you’re doing now though.
The reply above is right, you absolutely deserve to live life your way. Society tries to condition people that you constantly have to want something, be working towards something, etc. It’s funny when you consider that eastern religions all value the state of eliminating human desires, of wanting nothing, of just being. Western society is the opposite of that. If you aren’t running around 24/7, apparently you’re doing something wrong.
You just have to balance things out. In a perfect world I would love for you to be able to whatever you want all day long. But unfortunately if you do want to get away from your family some day, you’re gonna need to be able to make money and provide food and shelter for yourself. It might be your wisest choice to tough it out and deal with your family if that means you’ll be able to attend a university and have some financial help.
You could always try talking to your parents. Don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to act like I know you or your family. But really you are at the age now where you could start to offer your input on how they are making you feel without having to feel like you are totally a child with no voice in the matter. Even if they TRY to make you feel that way, the reality is that you are not a child. If you don’t like how your sister got involved and now suddenly you’re wrapped up in taking these community college classes, tell them that you don’t want to. Tell them you are too stressed out right now. Ask them if they really want you to be taking these classes if you aren’t going to focus and won’t get the best grades you possibly can because you’re being forced to keep doing tennis and everything else. Absolute worst case scenario as I described above is that you have to start living on your own sooner than later. Only you know how comfortable you are with that idea and if you think you could really handle it, so that should help you decide how far to push the envelope with your parents. Obviously don’t threaten them that you’re ready to walk out and never return if you don’t really mean it, but if you decide that you’d rather find some friends to move out with and do things on your own than keep being forced to do things you don’t agree with, then you can walk into the conversation knowing that you have nothing to lose and you aren’t gonna be bossed around any more.
Sometimes stress is just a choice as well. It might sound insulting because we all like to think we can’t control our emotions, but we can. I like to refer to it as “zooming out” in your head like zooming out with a camera. Don’t live all wound up tight in the front of your head thinking about everything that’s stressing you out. Zoom out. Take a deep breath. Kick back and get comfortable and play Pokemon if you want. All that matters is right now. Who cares what classes you are supposed to take or what’s going to happen in the next months or years. Just live for right now and make a choice that you’re gonna push these things out of your mind for a while.
Thank you guys so much for your reply, I appreciate it a lot more than you guys think 🙂 After going to sleep and waking up, calming down rather, I’ve realized that I was going a bit overboard yesterday. While it is true that I’m stressed out and that they’re putting pressure on me, I know it’s not for wrong intentions, it’s just my family is one of those “tough love” type that don’t really know how to convey their feelings. The college class they want me to take is only going to be twice a week, for 6 weeks, and it’s basically English 2 (I’ve taken the first English last summer) and taking it down here at a community college is MUCH easier and cheaper than taking it at the university I’m going to. And yes, my parents are paying for my tuition as well as 75% of it is covered by a scholarship. As for tennis, I’m quitting it after my school season is over. I know my parents want me to continue it because they’re terrified of me becoming obese and getting diabetes since my family has a long line of diabetes and I had a few family members die from it :/ The one thing I hate, is that most places won’t hire a person if they have no job experience, but how can you get a job if they won’t hire anyone with no experience? I might as well just lie on my next application I submit. Anyways, thank you guys for replying, and I love how people here actually care and understand what others are going through.