Discovery and Shame

I have stumbled across this site on accident and after looking over it all night and then joining, I am so grateful to have found it. I’ve been needing to talk to someone for a long time (decades, really). I realized I am scared to share it on here, also. No one will care (even though I know that here is the most probable place I will find like minds), it will be too long (because it is, indeed, an extremely long story and would probably have to be done in increments), because even though my problems ARE severe, I am fully aware that many people have it much worse than me, and I feel guilty that this doesn’t actually make me grateful, even though I do feel sorry for those people. But still, I need to try. I’ve been told dozens of times over the years that I should be writing my “stories” down and sharing them, perhaps for a book that these people apparently think would sell, but I would never do that because deep down, I am SO fucking ashamed. Ashamed that I could be treated the way I have by my own family, and by others that I was truly convinced loved me. People that are still treating me like shit that my codependency (which I’ve finally started to study and try to help myself on) will not allow to cut out of my life. Ashamed that I feel sorry for myself, when others have it so much worse. Ashamed that as an adult now, I don’t feel too much differently on the inside than when I was a teenager. Ashamed that as a teenager, I was so depressed and lost that all I could do was leave home at 13 and more or less quit going to school because as a really fucked up 13 year-old, I didn’t understand why it was important and as a result, I am now a 30 year old crew member of a fast-food restaurant with no hope for the temperament to be able to handle a better job, and honestly, I’m having a really hard time with this one. Ashamed to be a part of this sickening race of humans. Ashamed that I was born and am still alive, though I didn’t ask for it. Ashamed that after all these years, the fact that I would disappoint people by doing so stops me from pulling the trigger. I am ashamed of THIS in particular, because with the exception of a few, I know in my heart that these people would only really be sad because they couldn’t use me anymore and because it would force them to look at what they have done and as a result of that, I should be able to do it. But would they, or is that just self-indulgence?  They SHOULD, it is true, but I don’t believe human nature will allow it. So anyway, I want to say that I am very grateful this site exists, and in the upcoming future, I hope to be able to use it when I am severely depressed instead of bottling it as I usually do. Thank you.

P.S. I am also slightly ashamed that I can’t make paragraphs (I never learned), but that is not something I am willing to remedy because I truly don’t think it is very important, and I have much bigger fish to fry. That being said, I hope you guys can put up with it okay 🙂