How to get help

I will spare you my sob story. Here’s what you need to know. I am 23, married and a stay at home mom to a 4 year old little girl. I have been depressed since I was a child. I have times where I am okay but I always end up feeling depressed more often than not. I first considered suicide around 13 years old but never really had intentions or means to do so. In my family mental disorders are not considered medical and I would be told to just get over it.

Now, present day I am more depressed than ever. I think about suicide on a daily basis and have become almost numb to the idea. Obviously I’m still hanging on. The only reason is for my daughter but I can’t help but feel like she would thrive if she was not being held back by my anxieties and depression. I want to live. I want to see her grow up but my demons are taking over my head and killing myself is mostly all I think about.

My problem is I have had bad experiences with doctors in the past. I have never discussed my depression with a doctor, I’ve just had bad experiences in general and been given the run around that we are all familiar with.

I need to know how to make myself go and tell a doctor I need help. Just the thought of telling a doctor I have thoughts of suicide, feel sad most days and I am extremely irritable makes me feel even worse. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have finally come to accept that I need to get help to live an active and healthy lifestyle for my daughter. I want to be better and I want to set an example. Even making the appointment is a challenge  Making phone calls has always been hard for me, I’ve somehow developed anxiety and hate calling anyone. I feel helpless.