I never thought that the people i watched on the tv in health class could one day be me. I never thought i would feel so helpless that i would want to die. But i do…and have attempted sciucide three times, each time i have either been stopped by someone, or it just didnt work. I think that this depression, or feelings of depression came about the start of my 9th grade year. Everyone has a group of friends, i was too unsocial to join one and now im too late, everyone always says; oh wow your so funny or you crack me up, but i know that deep down they will never call me a friend. I sit alone at lunch, i sat with a few people at one point, but they were very mean to me and i just had to leave, even if they were the only people who i could ever sit with. I see everyone posting pictures with their friends, but im at home with my cats. Talk about lonely cat lady…iv never had a boyfriend..never been called attractive by anyone and even my sister hates me. She pushes me around…tells stories about aomethig totally made up by her to her senior friends who then laugh at me. She wont even be seen aound school with me remotely near her and denies any thought of us as sibligs. I am not a smart kid either…i am failing math, and even science. I will most likely have to retake 9th grade an im trying my hardest in school…but still failing.
I have cut myself off from my relatives…i hate their disapproving stares and glances at me as my parents tell bogus stories about me…and true stories about my grades. I refuse to even be picked up from school by them…i walk home the 6 mile walk instead. My mom doesnt seem to care about me anymore…i have openly expresses my feeling of hopelessness and lack of will to live. Even i can tell i am not the same chipper young child i used to be. Everytime i bring it up she yells at me for being attention seeking or something…honestly i only brig it up to her because i just need to feel like someone cares, which no one does.
Whenever i am asked “so how is 9th grade?” My response is always “oh its so easy” or “great!” But i’m dying inside instead.