Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes.

I apologise for following such beautiful song lyrics from The Hunger Games with such a negative post.. but I feel this encapsulates the way I’m feeling exactly.

Let me take you on a journey. 19 years ago, my Mother began to emotionally and sometimes physically abuse me over the course of my life. In my eyes, I never had a Mother. I never grew up being nurtured and receiving that maternal, unconditional love. 4 years ago, my Mother physically ‘bashed me up’, in need of a better statement. I left her immediately, I left my little siblings, my friends, comfort, my school, I left EVERYTHING that I knew and had come to love. I lost a part of myself that day, a part that I have never been able to get back. It has taken 4 arduous years and many attempts at reconciling with her to finally have made some progress. But every time I look into her eyes, I feel all those horrible things rush over me like they did 4 years ago. Nothing will ever be the same again. The nightmares will never stop.

But 4 years ago, I got together with the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. My soul mate, my better half. We have such a deep connection that could never be replicated; a once in a life time thing. He has been my sole source of love and support over this difficult time in my life, and unfortunately, has been on the receiving end of a lot of my depression symptoms. I have put him through hell and back, yet he still stuck by me. It was only 6 months ago when I decided it was enough – I HAD to seek help and I HAD to get better, so I could be happy again, so I could be the best person I could be for myself and for him. I wouldn’t let myself ruin his happiness any longer with my own depression.

I put it off though. We broke up, I tried to convince him to move on, I tried to fill the gap with other boys, but I could never actually bring myself to physically be with someone else. Just a few weekends ago, he kissed one of my ‘friends’. He danced with her at a club. This all must sound so ridiculous to you, but to have the love of my life be with one of my friends.. it just killed me. Well, it almost did. That very night, I was so intoxicated, I decided that wandering around the streets until 6AM was the best course of action. I could be murdered maybe. I ended up going home, unharmed, and cried. I cried and cried, that’s all I did for 3 days. I’d had enough, so I bought some sedatives and strongly considered ODing. I took 4 at a time, making me dead to the world, making me feel so out of it. That was enough to pull me through, until he reentered my life.

He apologised profusely and expressed his deepest regrets, and I couldn’t take it anymore – I NEEDED him back. I would not risk losing him again, I was so close to. So we became involved again, and I started to see a counsellor. We agreed not to get back together ‘officially’ until I was better. This agreement we had, seeing each other exclusively but not actually being together, was confusing but enough to keep me living.

It was just last night that he reiterated how he didn’t want to get back together. I suppose I had an ulterior motive all along; I thought that being with me again would make him realise that that’s the way we should be. But I was wrong. He wants his freedom, he doesn’t want to be with me, the very true love I found is not as true as I thought. He doesn’t want me. I want him. What to do.

I’m planning on starving myself. When feeling depressed, my hunger is always the first thing to go; I’ve gone about 5 days at the most without eating. I feel that I could easily go through with it. I have Googled about it and found a lot of evidence to support that it won’t be the most painful thing in the world.

He is not the only reason I no longer want to be here. It’s the fact that I feel like I am living for NOTHING. I hate university, I don’t have a job because I’m way too afraid to get one, and I can’t stand being rejected any more; the only actual thing I live for now is my cat. I am serious. I think my cat is the only reason I’m still here. That is how empty my life is. I have nothing.

I have become desensitised to suicide. I have had these thoughts so, so often; researched so many methods, that it’s just something I’ve been putting off for a while. I do not know if there is an afterlife, but I don’t really believe in it – I’m sure I’ll just fade off into nothingness. And that is marginally better than just living this half-life and waiting to die.