I used to be very happy little girl. I was always smiling. I loved being with others, seing their smile. But now that part of me, that little girl is already dead. She died few years ago, because she was always all alone. Nobody never cared about her. Nobody wanted to spent his time with her. She was born only because such a stupid mistake. Her parents never wanted to have a child. She was just a burden to them. She dreamed of having friends so badly, but she was so shy not confident at all, so it was a little bit difficult for her. She needed some time to see if she could be accepted. Unfortunately, she was really naive. If somebody was nice, she thought she got new friend. Of course she had few before, but they weren’t real and she needed them the most. It was really important, because she even started to hate herself for some time being. Her ‘best friends’ all one by one left her. Without any regrets, without saying goodbye. She didn’t understand it. She was sad, mad. She wanted to cry, ask why they’ve gone. But all she did was holding her pain in. She gave up, gave up. She was waiting for some miracle. She was waiting for so long, but nothing have happend. She died.
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So we are left searching of ways to die and get out of a unfortunate hell.! I FELL YOU! LIVED IT LIVING IT WANTING TO DIE!
She was waiting for some miracle. She was waiting for so long, but nothing have happened. She died.
I do not my intention to be crass, but this might be good news!!!
That little girl waiting on some miracle, for that “some – thing†to magically change, it was time for her to die.
If she is truly dead, resurrection is possible. Not just possible but certain as winter gives birth to spring.
This is the life, death, life cycle; something gives way for the new to arrive. And it will but it must die and sadly most people who lament what has been lost refuse the life, death, life cycle and instead hold on to what was and so remain stuck.
There is a time for everything, as a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, now the child becomes something more, but only if you let her go.
“See to it now that you spend less time on what they didn’t give you and more time on finding the people you belong to. You may not belong to your original family at all.”
–“Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
If you are open to metaphor and symbolic language (we forget that all words are symbols) then I think you may find “Woman Who Run with Wolves” very helpful!
The Ugly Duckling
“This story is so, so rich for me, so very true for me and extremely validating.
For so long, I felt so different and so “weird”…..so awful, horrible and WRONG that I wasn’t like those around me – it was excruciatingly painful for me. “
“Ahhhh…the “ache” is very real, true and deep. I have felt the ache many times and this beautiful story reminds me that I can trust the ache – the longing for something that just isn’t there…yet. I believe the ache is one of Wild Mother’s ways of guiding me home to my own….both my heart and my own kind.
And! When I arrive – what a glorious feeling of being welcomed home! Of being home among sister (and brother) swans and to be loved and cherished. And when I have been nourished, my wounds bandaged and I’ve been able to rest a while then I am able to join my true family in welcoming, loving and cherishing my sister swans “
“I certainly spent plenty of time wondering why my family members didn’t give me what I needed…and then I did it again with my ex’s family. Sometimes I think that certain members of my family couldn’t deal with their own swanness…so they remained ugly ducklings and tried to convince others that they too were ugly ducklings.â€
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On a pond nearby, the water became warmer and the ugly duckling who floated there stretched his wings.
How strong and big his wings were. They lifted him high over the land. From the air he saw the orchards in their white gowns, the farmers plowing, the young of all nature hatching, tumbling, buzzing, and swimming. Also paddling on the pond were three swans, the same beautiful creatures he had seen the autumn before; those that caused his heart to ache. He felt pulled to join them.
What if they act like they like me, and then just as I join them, they fly away laughing? thought the duckling. But he glided down and landed on the pond, his heart beating hard.
As soon as they saw him, the swans began to swim toward him. No doubt I am about to meet my end, thought the duckling, but if I am to be killed, then rather by these beautiful creatures than by hunters, farm wives, or long winters. And he bowed his head to await the blows.
But, la! In the reflection in the water he saw a swan in full dress: snowy plumage, sloe eyes, and all. The ugly duckling did not at first recognize himself, for he looked just like the beautiful strangers, just like those he had admired from afar.
And it turned out that he was one of them after all. His egg had accidentally rolled into a family of ducks. He was a swan, a glorious swan. And for the first time, his own kind came near him and touched him gently and lovingly with their wing tips. They groomed him with their beaks and swam round and round him in greeting.
“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.â€
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
“The psyches and souls of women also have their own cycles and seasons of doing and solitude, running and staying, being involved and being removed, questing and resting, creating and incubating, being of the world and returning to the soul-place.â€
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
“I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and you laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.â€
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
“We all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking.â€
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
A Prayer
Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
Refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
Lift your heart toward heaven,
And like a hungry beggar,
Ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting your heart toward heaven
Only you.
It is in the middle of misery that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good came of this, is not yet listening.â€
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés
We are not the same persons this year as last, nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.†W. Somerset Maugham
How so very true, how happy chance if, changing, continue to love the change person even when that person is ourselves.
This moved me a lot Sakumi. Those people were fuck ups and didnt do their job. Fuck those people. And don’t listen to anything they tell you or their advice. because if they don’t love you their advice will not be for you, and it may even be to undermine you. That is my experience. That’s pretty much all I got, fuck them/ follow your heart.
Apart from genetics you have nothing to do with them. I was also unwanted, I can at least relate.
(sorry for all the swearing)