I never thought I would be on this site as someone posting from a desperate place, instead of helping out through comments. But life is ironic that way, no?
Basically, I have been temporarily barred from coming back to my college senior year, due to my academic failings. There’s a whole story about how I tried hard to get recommendations to come back and how hard I tried to show my work, but that’s neither here nor there. What matters is how much this is going to affect me.
While I know that, in a year, I could take classes elsewhere, transfer back to my school, and begin again, it’s the fact that I have to do this in the first place. My family is big on public image, so any slight, any sort of shame or dishonor to them will all but (and has torn) them apart. My mom and dad are done with me, and have made me realize how ungrateful I have been to them, how embarrassed I’ve made them feel. The whole disappointment thing and more. I am going to be kicked out of my house for this slight, and fuck me if I have no plans on how to survive in the real world.
But all of my life, I have been a puppet for them. I have become less than a person in their eyes, in my friends’ eyes. I am a living construct for their hopes and dreams. To crush their expectations is like crushing their spirits. I have no sense of self-worth, because I have been taught that I should have none. My entire purpose in life is to serve.
And I have come to believe this as fact.
I have no goals that are my own. I don’t have feelings beyond what others have pointed out to me as despair. I have no skills besides what others have taught me, or what I have observed. I have no job. I am unattractive as a partner both physically and mentally, because I am too fragile.
I can’t keep doing this to them. I’ve wasted enough of their time, their money. There is no love I am worthy of. I just want to sleep. But that’s not allowed to me, is it? That would bring even greater shame, if I acted so selfishly.
But it’s so hard.
I had the pills in my hand today. I was a swallow away from being able to sleep as deeply as I wanted. With no expectations or pressures. I had to stop, however. I’m not allowed to have so much freedom. It’s forbidden. So I’ll keep living, 80+ more years, however they want me to. If it will bring them all happiness, then I will have to learn to be happy too.
But the pills. I’m so close. I have them right now too, in my hand. I’ve even started crafting a letter on my computer, to send via email once I’m done it.
It’s selfish, I know. And a permanent solution for a problem that seems so minor, and would be minor, if not for my situation.
Sleep would be nice. No thoughts. No sound.
I’m tired. So very tired. My parents are still able to produce more children, even if they’re in their early fifties. They could start over. They won’t get their money back from me, but they can start over.
I’m sure their next child will be able to be successful. Just not me. I’m too weak.
I’m sorry, mom, dad. I will try to last through the night, but there are no guarantees.
13 comments
So you failed at being a puppet, leave their place go crash at a friends pad and live YOUR life the way you want. You might just learn a few things about yourself
I have nowhere to go. The one place I thought I could go has basically been ignored by my parents (which is fucked up). They won’t let me leave the way I want, either from their house or from the world. I don’t actually /want/ anything anymore. It’s pointless for me.
They won’t let you leave? How old are u? And PS od-ing on pills sucks it rarely ever works trust me I’ve tried it several times
I’m 21. They won’t. They’ll lose a lot, letting me have my own life. And I know it sucks; I’ve tried before. It’s all I have to work with right now.
I don’t see how.they could possibly keep a 21 year old at home, but ya could always go old school and drop a hair dryer in the tub
They’ve made me financially dependent on them in every way imaginable. Plus, I have no skills, and next to no contacts that could house me. And that’s a thing.
I take it you have been very obedient to your parents your whole life, assuming this is correct why don’t you try rebelling. Seeing how you said they care about there public image you could have tons of fun with this and they will cave just to get there obedient little puppet back
I’m not a vindictive person. Revenge, rebelling…it’s not in me. Even if I were to turn against my parents, I would be leaving that cage for a new one. I can’t seem to do well in life unless I’m being completely monitored.
Reading your post was like looking at my life story. I’m 20 and just about finished with my 2nd year of college. I have no significant other and I don’t know why. People seem to like me and I’m not grotesquely hideous. My parents are separated, but they still communicate and my dad supplies all the money. My mom is very controlling and when I’m at home I have to ask her permission to do things like walk to the library or eat a snack. She goes through my drawers and checks underneath my pillow almost daily, but I’m not sure what she’s looking for. I’m not doing very well in school and I’m basically just clinging by my fingernails. I have no talents either and no one seems to want to hire me for a job, even for clerical work. I’ve applied to at least 10 different student jobs and I’ve had at least 4 different interviews and I was rejected by each, including a dish washing job at one of the bio labs on campus.
Have you talked to your parents about how you’re feeling? My mom has sarcastically asked me if I wanted to start seeing a therapist and the last time when I said yes, she said no because it would be a waste of money and it wouldn’t make a difference. She’s told me over and over that I’m a disappointment and a loser.
So, it looks like we’re almost in the same boat. Welcome aboard!
You can survive by yourself. You will gain differents skills and get better and better jobs in time, but it for shure wont be easy.
For me it was worth it – all the crap I have been through in my independent life. I left home at the age of 18 and I think I became a very strong person. I know, I can survive any situation.
You can do that to 🙂 Just be brave and leave everything behind you. Pack your documents, money (if you have any), some clothes and off you go. Make your life an adventure …
Well I don’t know what that means, for someone to “survive by themselves.” But I know what it’s like to feel pushed away from school. I dropped out my 4th semester a did one enlistment in the Army. Then I went back to finish and even got an M.S.. People here might be suspicious be fuck ’em the state the country and by God the Army were each very good to me.
Try to find what I lost there on the streets by ourselves, I don’t think one ever would find it. Not everyone in the Army can be part of a tank crew. But still it’s an option that’s at least different than hating yourself or killing yourself with conspicuous consumption on a motorcycle. Ah well whatev’s.
Thanks for sharing a part of your story, Othello.
I wanted to say, that you CAN live without your parents, that you CAN take care of yourself. Even if people keep telling you that you are a loser ect…
Don’t worry about disappointing your family. Worry about what matters to you. Even though it would be hard, you could live without your parents. People do it everyday. Stay strong, and don’t give up.