The suicidal spirit remains connected with the body,allowing it to feel whatever happens to the body,such as cold,rottenness,the bites of worms
I took care of my mom and sister while she was sick and when we werre moving around alot it was hard to keep our spirits up. And the last few months of my moms life was too hard on me. I moved in with a friend while she was in hospice at my house. She later died in the hospital that i was born in. I didnt move back home until 4months after my moms death.during that time i didnt eat, sleep, or talk. i lived on water. i ran for three hours a day, and cut myself before i went to bed. i felt that i would rather feel pain than nothing at all. and thats what i felt after her death. i was a shell. but then i cut myself accidentally one time, and i felt sure. i continued for months and my boyfriend said he understood what i was going through, his mom also died, but he didnt want me cutting. he said that if he saw cuts on me that werent previously there, i wasnt allowed in his house. and at first i hid them, then he started to suspect it, and then i wasnt allowed back until they healed. i kept clean for four months, the duration of our relationship. things happend and we broke up and i began cutting again. i would stop or a while, then start again. i dont think i will ever completely stop, but the intervals have become greater. my current boyfriend of a year and a half, is not comfortable with it, but does not turn me away because he knows it only worsens me. i dont know where to draw the line anymore, literally.
This lady came to my school today and talked about the dangers of dark magic. She talked about demon possession and how she was able to conjure spirits when she was in high school. I find it all entirely fascinating, but I am getting far too caught up in the dark world for it to be safe anymore. I feel constantly trapped in darkness and emptiness. I am never happy anymore. I have nothing to live for. I stopped using drugs and cutting nearly six weeks ago, and everything has grown worse, instead of better, since then. Everything is a constant battle. Far too often, I find myself sobbing on my bathroom floor in the middle of the night, with a blade in my hand, trying to refrain from cutting. I know that it sounds unpractical and cliche, but without cutting, I have no way to console myself. I understand that self harm can be dangerous, but having no way of escape seems to be much more dangerous. I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. Either I need to get worse so that I can just give up, or somehow I need to drastically change for the better. I need to get help, but I am unable to bring myself to do so. I just can’t keep living like this. I am in complete turmoil.
My body tingles, my mind wanders and my spirits lift.
I think about it constantly.
I wonder how it will happen. when, it’ll happen…
It only makes me anxious… i want it so bad.
i cant get it out of my mind…
Then, a wave of sorrow washes over me.
completly distorting all good feeling.
im still here…
breathing, thinking, suffering…
i want to fucking die already!
i cant wait…no, i must!
we all have a time. it’s all destined.
i need someone in the meantime to make me happy. fuck me, love me, and hug me… thats all anyone can really do. cuz there is only one thing i want more anything in the world and thats my end. Name’s daniel by the way i live in phx, az if u ever wannt hangout or fuck. you kno, hitt me up ;3
if not just comment… i’d like that
I find it really hard to let go and say what I want on this site I guess because I don’t do it at all and if I do it’s once in a blue moon but right now my thoughts are racing and I want to speak freely.
This week hasn’t been to great for me and I’m feeling indifferent about it, I haven’t been able to focus on my work and have been getting very little sleep I guess it’s because last year around Christmas is when my depression was worse than normal. I was reflecting Â to last year when I got depression, I remember thinking of everything to do to get rid of it because I felt ashamed and I still do. I’ve noticed that depression,suicide,and other mental illnesses aren’t really seen in a good light (self-explanatory) but what I mean is that your told things like “think about someone who has it worse than you” or ” do you know how selfish it is to feel that way” and it makes me sad to hear because it’s like saying your problems don’t matter to say that to me is really hurtful because instead of giving support to the person you’re crushing their spirits, I guess that’s how some of the people around me make me feel. Everything’s moving so fast, kids my age are out there following their dreams and I’m here depressed.
(From a dream. Sorry if the size of the post annoys. Just scroll on down.)
I was standing in a large grove of oak trees. It was sunny and warm. The wind was blowing faintly. The grass was bright green and lush. It seemed to be spring.
Through the trees a crowd of people emerged and walked toward where I was standing. The people were all smiling and laughing. They seemed to be in very good spirits.
Amongst them was a procession of young girls each wearing white dresses and adorned with a crown of wild flowers and each carrying a bouquet.
I was swept up into the crowd. I followed them as they entered a large building, made of wood, and topped with a dome. The people sat down in long benches facing a man who stood waiting. I sat down amongst them.
The man began to speak and I realized that this was some sort of religious gathering, though not one that I recognized. The man spoke to the crowd though I do not remember what it was that he said.
My focus was elsewhere as everyone in the crowd, besides the young girls who sat in the front row, wore dark clothing. However, there was a woman sitting on a bench behind the man that was speaking. She seemed powerful, important, she wore a bright golden dress and she was staring straight at me.
I began to feel nervous, even afraid. I felt like I did not belong there andÂ wanted to leave. As soon as I determined to stand and flee the woman in the golden dress stood up and put a hand on the shoulder of the man who was speaking.
She then stepped forward and said, “There is among us a stranger.” And she pointed at me. Everyone immediately looked right at me.
There was a whispered exchange between the woman and the man who had spoken and then the man told everyone to leave the room. I was told to stay.
Everyone left the room until I stood alone facing the woman in the golden dress. I can not remember if she spoke to me again but I had a strong feeling that something very important was about to happen.
I began to feel strange. The light in the room got brighter and my vision blurred. I began to hear a strange sound like a swarm of bees in distant gale winds.
The woman seemed to get closer to me and her eyes seemed to bore into me yet she did not move. The noise got louder and suddenly the walls of the building began to break apart, and the benches around me and the floor errupted. All around me the broken peices swarmed in a deafening wind. And somehow I knew that this all had a name. A name which I gave it as I grasped to understand it. The name was Baptism Machine and it terrified me.
Then it was as if the light, and the swirling objects and the noise became so great that they canceled everything out and became silence. I lost all sense of myself and felt no sensations. I did not know who I was or what I was, where or when. It was like slipping into oblivion.
Then I felt the sensation of movement. Like spinning. And then I saw light. The light was spinning. And there were shadows across the light. Shapes. The shapes were branches and leaves. The light was the sun. I saw the blue of the sky. I remembered what these things were.
I looked down to see what else was around me. Then I realized there was a me. I existed. I was in this place.
I looked around and saw a house. It was my house. I had lived there. I grew up there. This was my back yard. The tree above me was the mulberry tree. I knew all this.
I wanted to go to the house but I could not move. I had no body. I could perceive everything around me but I had no physical presense. I focused on the back door to the house and suddenly there was a tremendous rushing sound and I was there. Then I wanted to be inside and I rushed through the door, I could actually feel myself passing through it. Then I was inside the living room. The family cat was there. She saw me and meowed. I was delighted that she could see me.
I moved on. Was anyone here? I went to the front door of the house. I wanted to go through the door. Suddenly I had a body again. I reached out with my hand and turned the door knob. I went outside. My father was standing in the front yard. He had been waiting for me.
I asked him what was happening. He said,Â “You needÂ to learn something.”
I asked him what was it that I needed to learn. He would not say. I began to feel angry with him. I did not understand why this was happening or why he would not tell me. I shouted at him. Then I ran from him down the street. As I began to run he yelled out to me, his voice sounded frightened but I could not hear what he said.
I ran until I came to an intersection. I could either turn left towards the west or right towards the east. I felt that this choice was extremely important though I could not understand why. I felt the entire experience had brought me to this point.
I turned left.
Before me the sky instantly turned black and a funnel cloud struck the earth and began to tear it apart. The power and fury was beyond anything I could have imagined. I knew that I had chosen wrong. I knew that the force before me was malice, hatred, death. It came for me obliterating everything before it. I ran but it was to late. I was swept up into it. Fear and the cacaphony.
And the noise began to fade. Light before me began to focus. The wind of the machine began to die. The wooden peices of the building fell to the ground. And I stood there again before the woman in the golden dress.
She smiled at me and her eyes were filled with acceptance and love.
IF I could do one thing with this pathetic life I would kill myself and take all your pain with me so that no body ever has to live I have for the last 23 years. I know its impossible and my death will do nothing for the cause but its a sincere thought. I have been living in hell for so long that I feel that reaching actual hell could not be any worse than this, and I deserve to burn anyways. I figure a fair punishment for hurting my family to no end is burning in hell in eternal torture and flame. But enough about me…THIS ONES FOR YOU. 🙂
But since I can’t do a damn thing for your pain nor my own I wanna leave with this awesome song, that might atleast life your spirits! 🙂
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh! I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. ‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away. You’ve gone away, you don’t feel me, here anymore. The worst is over now and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away. There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain.
</3Â </3Â </3Â </3Â </3Â </3Â </3
I am a very cowardly person. Â I am a waste of space, oxygen, food and my parents’ money. I have not and never will contribute anything good to society nor nature, and therefore I believe it preferable for both me and the world that I leave. I would also like to be an organ donor. I just hope my organs would be good enough for anyone due to my unhealthy lifestyle. Most of the time I agree with myself that suicide is the best thing to do. But I can’t, for the following reasons:
Because of these reasons, I find it very unlikely I will ever succeed in committing suicide. But I find it equally unlikely I will succeed in anything else in life. What am I to do.
*** ** MAJOR amendment to this thread!!! VERY IMPORTANT! Scroll down to my last post. It will save you A LOT of trouble! Seriously!!!! *******
I’ve figured it out! I feel like celebrating! I’m so happy and relieved!
In my heart of hearts, I believe people should be allowed the dignity and respect of deciding how long they live. To me, what drives a person to end their life is the devestating part; that profound suffering and internal unending pain. But not the actual suicide; that’s freedom.
For example, I recently had to have my 15 year old poodle euthanized. She had a million and one health issues and got to the point where she could barely walk across the room, so crippled from arthritis. No pain med helped her. The moment she was released from that suffering, she was at peace. I could feel it.
Being mostly an existentialist, I don’t believe in heaven or hell, or that we exist as “spirits” for all enternity, to be reunited with our loved ones, when we die. That’s just a bunch of hype designed to instill false hope in the living. But it works for the majority so that’s great for them.
I’ve figured out a peaceful way to die. After years of trying various methods, compromising the health of my body, undergoing the physical and mental torture of trying to overcome this disease, I finally figured it out. It’s so simple. And it will be me immediately falling asleep, within seconds, and dying in that state of deep sleep.
Funny enough, it’s put me in a terrific mood! I feel light and hopeful and free, just knowing I have this painless, sure-fired way out. Happy enough that I just wanted to share it with some like-minded folks. 🙂
I spend my free time in my room playing games and listening to the spirits speak to me.Â They aren’t any kinder than my cruelest bullies, so it isn’t much fun.
I do okay in school in a tough major, but sometimes everything gets to be too much.
I just want to lay my head on the train tracks nearby.Â It seems just as good a choice as any.
I donâ€™t know how to start this post or how to write things down right now but I was just, am now, thinking about something.
There has to be something after death. Spirits will carry on.
If my spirit from the future could write a letter to myself, what would it say?
I expect it to be a goodbye letter to life, to me. A story to leave behind. Regardless the age or reason of passing.
Will it be a story about how a heart grew back together? Or will it be about drowning?
Maybe, hopefully, there is an ode in it about one certain person that I will cherish in my soul forever. A person who finds me in my future of this life. A person who taught me about love and showed me what it truly was. A person with an important role in my life, any kind of role.
The letter could tell me I have found strength and succeeded to be happy, that the wounds are healed and the scars are faded but the knowledge is still there and I am strong.
Would I tell myself to â€hold on, it will be betterâ€ or am I writing the letter right now?
I am in charge of the content of the letter, I am and will be the spirit me.
Someday I will be that spirit with a full written story. One thing is for sure, it wonâ€™t be a comedy.
Iâ€™m the one who is writing a story noone reads and I donâ€™t know what Iâ€™m writing or how it will end. Iâ€™m stuck in this part of life, the writersblock.
I would love to visit myself in the past already because all I need is another me.
Day started bright and early, headed out to do an activity with a group of people.Â People I hardly know, yet they know me…
Throughout the day we were mostly working outside in the hot sun. I don’t do too well in the heat…
Feeling of loneliness in the crowd of people began to set in. No happiness could be found…
There was one thing that kept the spirits up, seeing those pretty butterflies and dragonflies fly around happily. They kept me going and working…
After many hours pass, the group begins to take their leave. I begin to pack up too…
On my way to my car, I see the most amazing sight fly in front of me. A black butterfly…
I stand there staring at it, mesmerized. Never in my life have I seen one before…
It flies in front of me and lands on the grass soon after. I try to approach it…
Once I got close, I just sat near it and stared some more. I had no where to go anyways…
I sit there with the butterfly and I just think to myself, “What could a black butterfly mean…?”
Thought of a black rose. Means death or the end of something…
Thought of a black cat. Means misfortune or bad luck…
The day was filled of seeing butterflies, yet this one was the last one to see of the day. A greeting…?
It flies away, slowly. The creature was having a hard time flying against the wind…
Time to take my leave as well. The thought of the butterfly stayed in my mind…
Once home, I sit and think to myself, “What could this mean…?”
That black butterfly greeted me when I was alone. Why…?
I sit alone waiting. Waiting for what is to come…
Or possibly, what has already came and is waiting for me to realize what has happened….
Reading through the posts, its amazing how different all our stories are.
We have somethings in common – that feeling of not being able to carry on, hating our lives, hating our past, not feeling like we have a future.
How many of you have read anothers story and thought either:
Thats far worse than my life,
thats not so bad?
It something to think about – if we put ourselves in other peoples lives how would we feel then, worse or better than we do now.
If one can get one spirits up just a little – its really important.
Having severe PTSD (post traumatic stress), having a nervous breakdown, being clinically depressed make life absolutely feel its unable to go on.
But really being depressed or broken down or defeated is a feeling that totally sux!!
If there is anyway to feel better – its really important.
Suicide and suicidal thoughts make one feel worse. I don’t think suicide is sucessful in a painless way that we want. There are so many failure stories that people end up far far worse after trying.
Could this help anyone?
After a head injury one feels troubled for many years and ones thoughts can be dark.
A therapist was explaining to me that one needs to redirect ones thoughts and make new brain patterns or ones thoughts keep going to the same dead end of negativity.
She said just do one thing a day to start.
If you can start by one little step at time to start redirecting ones thoughts thats helping to make a new pattern – a new future for you.
She explained thoughts like sheep trails which often lead no where – so negative thoughts take us to dead ends and leave us nowhere. One has to keep doing things and keep thinking of good things that happen in the day and block out the bad stuff.
Make a worry teapot and put your troubles in there and in the mean time keep living and not thinking about your troubles.
Make a journal and write down things you like and good things that happen.
The lists will build believe it or not.
If you think nothing good happened today….then be grateful that you are not homeless, be grateful that you have your arms and legs, be grateful that was no earthquake, tsunami, landslide etc where you are. Be thankful you have water to drink and are not stranded in a desert in blistering heat. Look at a couple of these disasters on youtube and be grateful. Breath and realise you are better off and be very, very grateful.
There a re a million trillion things to be grateful for — once your brain starts thinking, it can come up with hundreds of things.
A journal works to lift your spirits – you just have to do it.
Colourful pens also work.
The constant obsessing on how bad ones life is – only makes us – our own worst enemies.
The constant negative thoughts are torture – we torture ourselves!! Thats bad.
We have to realise we, ourselves are torturing ourselves and how bad that is and we NEED to stop doing that.
The deeper the thought pattern the harder we have to try to break it.
According to my great grandmother i am an Old Soul. My spirit has been here a long time. I have a very strong connection to the spirit world. I see things that no one would ever want to see. Knock it if you want, everyone else thinks i am crazyu anyways. I can see spirits, and not only people i know. I have seen ghostly deaths countless times, i have seen the wraths tear people in half. No one ele can see them, no one i know. I can’t sleep, i haven’t slept for three days now. This will continue until i pass out and then when i wake up the visions will start again. MAybe if i talk about it it will slow, so if you have questions please ask. I’ll be happy to share. I have been contimplating suicide… i can’t take the things i see…everytime i close my eyes. I even know when people will die. IÂ Â have prophicetic dreams ( i dream the future). I have the same dream before some one dies. I am up in a tall tree, at the very top, in a swing. In the river below there are children playing, little girls in blue jean dresses ad little boys in overalls. Everything is so peaceful and i can hear the children laughing. All of a sudden the clouds darken, and the sky turns black. When i turn my eyes to the river, all the children are pointing up at me. Then i hear the snapping. The ropes holding the swing snap and i fall for a long time with the black fabric of my dress and my hair being snapped around in the wind. I always scream but i dont make a sound. I hit the water, feel a sharp pain in my neck, then feel nothing. As i slowly sink to the bottom of the river, the children gather around and stare down at me. i can see my hair drifting around my head but i cannot move. Up close i can see that the children look the same, identical to one another…because they all have the same colored eyes. and they begin to laugh. the last thing in the dream is the children laughing with their eyes wide open, laughing and not moving, staring down at me and the black slowly fades in. The part where i know who is going to die. In my family we have a tradition that when someone dies we make safety pin commemerative ribbons in their favorite color. The favorite color of the person who will die is the color diplayed in all of the childrens eyes. The scariest one was the first one i had when my great aunt died. her favorite color was white. SnowÂ white. Their eyes .. were just..dead. flat without emotion. PLease if you have questions, let me know.
Where words are used to make others feel like shit and break people’s spirits. Where actions are used to break people’s bones. Where people use others to make themselves feel better and get better things.Â
Where people have a materialistic view on everything. When someone acts different, then they are looked down upon. Society is fucked up. Why do we keep on trying to thrive? We cause others to feel more pain than pleasure. So much so that they can’t ever recover.Â
Why do we think that having someone living is much better than freedom through death? The basis of a democracy is to let people do what they will with their own life liberty and “pursuit of happiness” or whatever you’d like to put it as. Taking our own life is what we will do.Â
Rogue: “But the other side says, we choose to live because of the pleasure. The pleasure is more than worth the pain. We live to thrive, and some who believe in god, they choose to live to show god that they are worth saving. That even in the toughest of times, they stay true to their god.”
Nathan (Me): But the other side, my side, says that God looks away from us. We are mistakes, imperfect. The all powerful god supposedly created the perfect people and the wicked snake fooled them. Yet Jesus is perfect and he wasnt foolish. How can that be? How are we gods image? Is he corrupt, is he a sadist? Is he a masochist?
God is everything, so he is everything bad? The bible was written by man, and its a black book. Normally that means evil, (like bananas) something that rots, but you think its sweet.Â
Rogue: “Yes, but he is trying to help you whenever possible. He listens to you when no one else will.”Â
Nathan: he seeks to help us? He doesn’t help, he never replies.Â
Well this world is corrupt and fucked up. I keep thinking of how religion has many loopholes. It seems made up, written by man. How does the bible stay the same, even through many translations. It’s bullshit, and the more we study it, the more people that study it, the easier it is to corrupt it and bend it to fit someone’s agenda.Â
Nathan: People are born evil, according to Thomas Hobbes. They are brutes, only cause evil in this world.Â
Rogue: “People are born good. That is the thoughts ofJohn Locke. They are given natural rights, rights they are born with, and they are life, liberty and property.”
Nathan: yeah and we have the right to do what we want (liberty) [as long as it doesn’t interfere with others natural rights], with our life and property. That means if we want to destroy our property or lose it, we can, and the same with our lives.Â
Rogue: “But it harms others’ lives by causing them despair after losing their loved ones.”
Nathan: So it’s wrong to take one’s pain and let someone suffer. But it’s alright to let that someone feel good while the other suffers?Â
Rogue: ” There are better alternatives to death. They can improve their lives if they try. Just wait a few years and things are sure to change for the best, it can’t get worse.”
Nathan: And if you’re wrong?
What if those alternatives don’t work, and we prolong our suffering. Torture is to cause someone pain and suffering, usually to extract something from them. Extracting some happiness from someone to better yourself is better? That’s selfish.Â
Rogue: “And so is taking your own life to end your pain and give it to another person instead. ”
Nathan: it’s much easier for one to forget someone than to continuously suffer in misery… How about we don’t give people the selfishness routine as it can’t be weighted by who suffers more, before or after ones death. Anyways death is a natural occurrence. It helps stimulate population control, as Thomas Malthus said.Â
Rogue: “People are meant to live and prosper, not wither and die.”
Also people avoid getting pissy about a facebook version of this site. If someone uses your email on google, they can find your posts. And the group is secret, you can only get in if someone on the inside refers you to it and an admin accepts it. Let me repeat myself. It’s secret!!! Use my email to find me on facebook to join in. It’s a more personal experience where you get to meet people from the site, whether they use their normal account or a new one. Search me up on my email: firstname.lastname@example.org . I’m Nathan Garcia obviously.Â
Good mood, listening to atmosphere radio on iheartradio.com :P.Â
I went away for 3 days, to visit my sister at her university. It was a nice break from my parents. They’ve never really been the best to me. I had an awesome time, I returned in such good spirits because when I was over there I didn’t have Â a care in the world. I was in a different city, a good 4 hours from where I live. I barely texted anyone so it was just a clear-mind vacation (I know it was only 3 days) So that was fun, but as soon as I get home they start being rude. My parents like to give me hell for giving them “short answers” when I really have NOTHING to say to them. The one thing that made me mad tonight was when my mom was complaining about how lazy I am. She finished by saying ” I sure just hope you pass this grade” and my heart sunk down to my chest. Just the way she said it, took such a harsh effect. She left my room, that being the last thing she said to me tonight. I just sat there teary-eyed. I don’t think she understands how hard I try in school, I focus on the classes I need to. I try my best and don’t get top grades. Am I supposed to be sorry? Shouldn’t she be happy I am at least trying, and not out doing drugs daily instead of going to class? I’ll gladly fucking start if she really has such little faith in my passing school. I wish they would just accept me, for who I am and understand the struggles that I go through. When your parents don’t believe in you, or have any kind of faith in you, what’s the point in trying for anything?
Tonight something crossed my mind. Something I had never thought before. I sit on my bed, and thought “I want to go home.” That’s it. That’s all that was on my mind after that. But where’s home? This is where i’m supposed to be, this is where i’m stuck. A place i’m afraid to call my home.
Please log in to report posts