Bon Ami,

I have intentions to be productive for myself. I want to be helpful and do right, for myself and others. I like to impress and make people around me proud. I have a standard to live up to. My family expects my fullest respects, and endlessly utter my continuous responsibilities. My friends just expect me to be there. Usually I’m quiet, but if I’m around long enough most are bound to get a piece of my mind. After that I kind of just do what it takes to blend in. Even though I’m more than use to sticking out. The feeling is like: hope–To be freed. Although, after I’m gone its the last thing I feel.
I’ve reached a barricade in my path. I know that the only way past it is to climb over, but my pack is too heavy and there is too much to lose. I’ve come upon these before and became use to walking around; through the thistle, and poison ivy. I’ve lost so many important things on the way, and got quite a few scars for it. The transition is clear. Its a hard decision to make, yet an easy thing to do. I know that if I throw everything that I’ve deemed useful down, the trail would be easier to travel. I want nothing more than a fresh start. Its difficult for me to openly say I’ve wanted to be freed from all of my restrictions. As if all of my burdens would weep at my departure.
It has always been hard for me to make friends. Most of the people I become close to attempt to take advantage of me, or make a fool of me when I’m not around. The relationships I have now began in elementary school. They’ve been through, or witnessed pretty much everything I’ve succumbed. I cant control it, but when I meet someone new I tend to tear apart why they act how they act and the bends of their personality. Until that’s happened, if they’re not too freaked out by my awkward behavior, I begin to relax and be myself. Cause: post-traumatic stress/Repression anxiety/Depression. All due respect to those I meet, I honestly mean all well in doing so. Even for those that don’t check out. It has helped me not act too rambunctious or even too cautious around those that are short tempered. I’ve realized that I tend to accept those that ignore my beginning behavior because they’re letting me be myself and I feel comfortable. Those are usually the ones that put me in the worst of situations after I let them in to my life. Being hurt comes natural to me.
I am strong. I can Take it. The pain in my chest has moved farther and farther up in my throat, over time. I’ve taught myself to swallow it back, but it keeps getting stronger. When I cry it out I tend to act ruthless (yet respectful to others) and start showing the colors of my life. I suppose you could say I become the center of attention and enjoy life. Not a lot of people tend to stand for this behavior from me for long. I’m getting tired of repressing my colors. My family tells me its jealousy, but I have trouble seeing the great things in my life. & honestly believe everyone deserves to shine and be noticed.
I feel Blind. Every step I take to be myself is a step out of line, to those that are closest to me. I feel like a toy. Something kept around to be entertaining for guests.  I feel lost. Like a diamond in a pile of coal.
I think about suicide every night before I fall asleep. The only reason I can’t: My nieces and nephews, My brothers, My cousins, My aunts and uncles, My parents. They’ve made it. They are looking forward to it. They are living it.
I want to see the beauty in life. I want to feel the beauty in life. I want to shine without being bullied. Maybe I’m asking too much. I just can’t take it anymore.
This song makes me smile: SixxAM- Life is Beautiful