Damn It All

I know I’m going to get expelled again. But this time I’m not going to wait to see it happen. I’m having my first exam (in this new university) on Monday. I’ll take it. And then I’ll end it. Even just now, instead of getting myself ready for the upcoming exam, I’m just sitting here and staring straight before me. Every moment sucks. Every damn moment. I can’t get over the thought that I’ve chosen the cheapest way to die, and the most ridiculous. Drowning myself in a laundry basin, bullshit, huh? I’ve even been working hard on it, made a few trial runs, to overcome the fear of water before taking the final plunge, only to learn it’s never getting easier. I am such a fool.

But words won’t help. They never do. All they do is conceal the truth about how bad everything actually is. You know, I’ve gone completely crazy. I start to hate people for being so selfish and ignorant, I want them all to die. I’m imagining things, plunging into bouts of hysterics during which I ruin everything that gets in my way, I can’t listen to music or watch movies anymore because they invoke too many painful memories. I am absolutely sure I’m cursed and some evil thing dwells inside me and causes me all the torture, and the only way to stop it is by killing myself. But it’s so hard to do when I’m such a coward by nature… And this thing is apparently stronger than me.

I really hope this is my last post. (Though if I ever get a gun, I’ll probably make it known!) Though I know with my luck, it’s highly unlikely. Being here isn’t helping me anyway. You know, going through all these posts, people talking, and talking, and talking… Well, great if that helps them. Like I said, words don’t help me. Some even make me worse. I’ve read a bunch of posts here published by people who claim they had a gun at hand but hell knows why they didn’t manage to kill themselves, (well, congratulations!) it just rattles my cage to know so many people just don’t finish what they started, and then they come back and ask, “What now?”

For someone, I don’t mean to offend you, I am just a crazy ***** and I just envy you too much, you have the luck and let it slip from your hands. You CAN end it all so easily and I can’t. I don’t know what you’re thinking about, what you want. You seem to have some sort of life, I only got dry walls to stare at, aside from this computer screen. Sometimes I’m only happy to see get a bruise on my knee, like “Wow, something happened to me!”, the only thing that reminds me I still exist.

Let me say goodbye now, I’m not even expecting that final “good luck” thing from any of you, it won’t help me and I don’t deserve it anyway. And the last thing I want to say, for those lost souls like me, is don’t wait. It’s not worth it, it never gets better, only worse. There are no wonders. You are what you are. If you don’t love yourself the way you are, there’s just no sense in living.