I’m losing “my” first girl I really love. Am I ?

Hello,

First of, all. i’m not sure if this is a part of the project, but it made me laugh indeed.
” ERROR: Banned by WangGuard Is a mistake?.”
Anyway…
I’ll keep it short 🙂 10 months ago, I have met a very interesting person, over the Internet. Actually, SHE met me (chatted me up on some forum, where I trolled, never wanted to see anyone, but I made one exeption this time). So we chatted. I liked fer. Later, a lot.. Then she said something like “I do not believe you are real, come and meet me” So I did, we did. This went for 4 months and 1 week and 1 day exactly to date. But the catch is in here – I fell in love with her (check my username), but she doesn’t see it. She say, she say “she don’t know what she want”- to stay alone or seek relationship. We met only 6 times for couple of hours, two times kissed each other, to be more specific. I felt this way from the begining, or maybe for last 2-3 months. It’s like I love her more than my own life, it’s like nothing else matters (yes nice song right? 🙂 ), I can not find joy in anything else. I live in my own, drive nice hothatch, very good work, have lovely dog, nearly full family, some good friends too (but seriously, just some, less than 5, much less), have all the time in the World, I have tried to travel to exotic destinations, then to luxury detinations, then went to zurich for some awesome chocolates, they did taste great, but no +joy to my life anyway. She is born 5.5, therefore everytime I see time like xy:55 then it reminds her, actually I do have a licence plate “something955” – bizarly, she has sister, her boyfriend has the same plate. and many other bizarre places. And now, she plays it like “nothig is going on, don’t think too much, let it just go” – she never told me anything specific.. hard to explain 🙂 but maybe you already get the picture..

What to do?
I know – find something to distract myself, blablabla..

But I’m seriously tired of it.

Let’s mathmaticaly add it up.

As a human being, I need to work to survive (-) I need to eat and even tho i like it, no joy anymore (-), need to sleep, hard to fall asleep (im testing to sleep with alchool, just like 2oz of pure alcohol in drinks and works amazingly well, never drank myself before) (-) need to play “im ok” infront of family and friends and coworkers (-) bablabla/.
you see? there is no (+) what so ever…

I dont want to find anyone else, will never trust anyone else THIS MUCH, blabla…
Some details: im 24 and she is 25, i had noone yet, she had some (less than 5 short, but only 1-2 serious relationships), she beleives there has to be some “chemistry and butterflies” and perhaps she does not feel this to me (but why the kisses then? she started them). on the internet she is very outgoin, in the real world, not so much.. she is shy, just like i am.. the worst thing is, i have written that first paragraphs i the morning/atnight and now, few hours later, i wrote this last one. – Do you see the difference? One time I think I lost her – few hours later I think there still is some little Chance.

well, and this is short story to me…

Thanks for any reaction.