I need help. But my therapist stopped me and said if I continue to use the vocabulary I’m using to describe my feelings, she can consider it a legal “yes” to the “suicidal?” box, and I’d lose my security clearance and my career with my company goes with it. I should have known better; any suggestion of mental incapacity makes you a national security risk, so I can’t get any sort of professional or medical help. Not sure why I care so much; I feel like I’m on a freaking pirate ship here. Belligerent a-holes here don’t respect anything I tell them to do, specifically because *I’m* telling them. And of course it’s me that gets in trouble for “not enforcing the rules” and they know it. I just want to die, but I would be taking my mother down with me.
No rest for the weary.
6 comments
Unfortunately, you may just have to accept that “this way isn’t working out,” and that you need to find or make a new one.
I would recommend “getting off the deathstar while you can…”
The truth that you need to resolve is literally incompatible with your career.
You need to change careers, somehow… because being forced to continue hiding what’s wrong, will prevent it from being solved, which is going to end up causing your death.
Do you want to live the rest of your life in fear, trapped in the depression/suicide closet? Or do you want to let go of one of the big things poisoning your mind, and attempt to actually reclaim what’s left of yourself and your life, and at least not be totally stressed out to the point of collapse, all the time?
Can you inquire or investigate whether there is some other position your knowledge might be useful enough to remain employed, but without posing a “security risk” to your employer, simply by admitting that you have problems that require help?
And if not, then figure out something you can do, and make the change. Otherwise, you’re basically making the decision to let your job, and your failing struggle to keep it, kill you. Suicide by career. Long and agonizing, nothing but stress and fear. That’s no way to live. Decide to live better, and work to change what can, or it will stay the way it is, and get worse.
Or… maybe you can find a way to stop stressing about the stuff you couldn’t avoid and can’t change, so that you can just do the job you claim to want to keep, and keep it, without it being such a problem for you, and them.
do they give excuses and you accept them? or they just don’t get the stuff finished like you asked them?
you could try becoming the “horrible boss” character.. ‘take no excuses, get it done now!’ kind of person..
@clevername
That’s some hard stuff, but I fear you’re probably right. It’s just so difficult to get a job at all for someone like me in this field. It was a freaking battle to just find this one.
@shadowclone 0
No excuses, they just straight up ignore me. And I’m not the “boss” in this situation, so they don’t feel they have to follow the rules I give them because it’ll be me in trouble and not them. I say, this is how it has to happen; it’s not just company policy, it’s industry policy – you learned this in school to get this job. All I get back is “chill the fuck out” and a continuation of the behavior.
well… that sounds a bit like “insubordination” to me.
Perhaps log their refusals or non-compliance, and report it to whoever determines their employment status. If it’s you or them, would you willingly sacrifice your career in order to spare the jobs of those who break the rules, and make you look bad to your superiors?
I’ve never held an authority role, so my perspective might not be worth much.
And on the other hand, back to what i was saying before… maybe in the end it’s just not worth the stress it’s causing you.
Maybe there’s something else you can do, some alternative way to use what you know, without the requirement of dealing with insubordinate and non-cooperative people.
I would just suggest to try to relax enough to not crack, and think about what else might be available, before anything “happens.” But at the same time, probably a good idea to start logging the resistance you’re encountering, instead of just letting them make you look bad without doing anything about it.
Yeah, I’ve begun doing that. Told my boss, who had a literal shouting match with them, followed by one with their boss; yes, they AND their boss are so ingrained in this behavior that they saw fit to not only disobey my boss and challenge him verbally, but argue with him about it furiously. Then I went to my boss’ boss, and he was supposed to put the hammer down for real, but if he did I wouldn’t know it. They didn’t change a thing. I don’t let it bother me too much now that my superiors are aware in the worst way. It’s not my job environment that has me feeling so poorly, it’s just the “security risk” part of seeking professional help that has me trapped. The FBI, CIA and/or DHS (they don’t tell you which) are actively trawling my history to the finest detail (visiting neighbors 5 houses down on either side of the house I grew up in kind of detail) right now and for up to 180 days from now, so I can’t have a paper trail of mental health treatment. I’m thinking I may try after they confirm they’re done snooping (they do this shit all the time in this industry) because they won’t be actively looking at me any more. If something happens I’ll take your advice, tell them to screw themselves and just look for another job.
I don’t know your job or what it requires of you but I was caught up in a similiar state of affairs recently in my job. I too was considering exiting my job with no prospects in sight. A very difficult dilemma to be in. As part of a management team, I spoke my mind with my opinions as I have in the past. One recent controversy would have been avoided if my advice had been acted upon. Although a part of a management team, I am not a decision maker so my role is advisory. Well, long story short, it is a matter of how you handle yourself to keep your sanity that matters. As a recovering addict I have a copy of the serenity prayer on my desk, ” God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. I have applied this prayer many times in my workplace because I have been in some jobs that tested my character and keeping true to my character, in one particular job, cost me that job and required me to do a career change in my late forties. Not an easy thing to do. But you know at the end of the day, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror. As a man of faith, I have come to the conclusion, that our prayers are heard and it is only between us and God who hears them. We can pour out our hearts to him and trust that nothing will be held against us. I have been in counseling before and know what that is all about but I have found prayer to be much more personal and meaningful because you can take off your mask before God because he sees inside our hearts anyways. No secrets there. I am still in my job and believe me I was tempted to just walk off and take my retirement and go on to new adventures but now I am glad that I didn’t because things are better. The fallout of the controversy are still very much there but my role is becoming more clear of how I can make a difference, a real difference as a peace maker and doors are opening that were once closed to my agency. God blesses the work of our hands and that means our workplaces and I see this happening. I even got a nice raise as part of cost of living increase and job worth. It is a whole different perspective from probably what you are used to but I just read your story and could see some similiarities with what I have been through and wanted to share what worked for me. I wish you well.