at times when you just want to give up. for sum stupid idiotic reason your still walking this gosh damn Earth for everyone else’s sake but your own because your just alone suffering in a cold cold cold section of the Earth where it feels like there is absolutely no life, no help, no care etc… I know for sure there are people out there feeling the same way because I know all of you guys do. but u guys know what I mean when I say feel alone. right? that ONE person who I know is the only one that can help, has no […]
June 2013
So yesterday the only friend I had in the world left me. He told me I was a bad person… that I was too fucked uo for him to stick around. How my apathy and suicidal ideation made it bad for him to be around me. And as much as I begged him to stay, and as much as I pleaded, there was no changing his mind.
So I came home. Bought some alcohol, bought out the pain killers. Swallowed 50. Took a blade to my wrist and carved my skin off. Then took a rope and tried to hang myself.
Yet I am […]
I’m done trying. I tried to make things better for so long and it never works for me because good things never happen to me. So soon I will make my first attempt with a shit ton of pills and if that does not work I will go sit on the train tracks.
I think I finally reached the end….I’m not sure how yet, but I finally reached it.
my frends had prom today its all over facebook… i didunt go… i dont even have a girlfrend to hug or a frend… im the sad lonly kid who knw one whants to help cos it will bring them down… crying my eys out chane smoking… this is something i will regret for the rest of my life i startid to cut agen… my dad says im nothing and you may be reading this now thinking “but im your frend” well thank you for that but idk when your siting in your room smoking with asleep playing havent been out for days no money stragly […]
I haven’t been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder but i am sure that i have it because it is impossible to have so many shifts of moods. It just isn’t normal. I am such an emotional brat. I can’t stand things going wrong. I had such a good week and experienced wonderful things and met so many people on this festival and now i am back to reality and to my responsilities. I just became so sad in one moment and now i feel so helpless because i can’t remember anything good to keep me on the righ path.
I am so mad at myself […]
ive gotten fat… im getting better at putting on a smile. ive been dressing nicer and more preppy. ive been laughing more. ive been crying less. ive been arguing more. ive been thinking ab0ut him more. ive been treated worse. ive been told everything will be ok but ive been told that before. ive been keeping everything inside like i used to. im reverting back to the old me. perfect pretty girl. loud and outgoing sarcastic with everything put together. hah what a fucking joke. but i am so good at keeping everything in. ive only been cutting on my wrists so i can hide […]
I’m losing it. Â You know its bad when you are hoping something bad happens to you. Â I just think I’m done at this point. Â I just don’t want to deal with it. Â I just want it to be all over.
A story I wrote when I was 8.
“If I was a snake I’d live in a woods where no people were living. I’d sleep under a log on soft moss. Every time I was hungry I would look for insects to eat. If any people ever did come in the woods I wouldn’t bite them but I’d just hide somewhere.   I think i would like being a snake. “
As I see it there are three things preventing us from leaving this horrid planet:
1. The survival instinct. It’s hard wired into our brains from millions of years of evolution, and I think we all know, whether we have attempted or not, how powerful it is.
2. The values that have been bread into us since birth. We live in a world of mental slavery. A small number of insanely wealthy and powerful people control thge rest of the population, using them to maintain their power and wealth. Yet they don’t do this with chains, whips, and dogs. Instead, bread into us since birth are the […]
so yesterday I tried to kill myself… it first started off with my having an emotional rage; I was yelling, cussing, crying, and screaming. Then did I go in my room and started cutting myself repeativley… in patterns. When I was about to go deep to where I can cut a tendon my sister walks in the room and sees my with blood everywhere, she tries to get the knife from me, but we just fought over it… later that night me and my boyfriend broke up because he was still talking to his ex… something inside of me just died and I was in […]
If you do not seem to have the ability to ignore your own flaws, then you are barely even a human and should congratulate yourself for that-
Today is the day I planned on killing myself. I’ve been trying to get everything taken care of before hand but I’ve run out of time. I still have some things to do today and one I found out I can’t do until tomorrow. I won’t be able to try again until next friday, when I can drive to the location. So now, I either have to say fuck it and let my family deal with the loose ends or wait another week. I guess I’ve waited this long, another week will be okay. .Sigh.
I tried partial suspension hanging today almost fainted could see floaters( white spots near my eyes) but the rope was long and my feet touched the ground panicked and struggled to remove the noose but succeeded to remove the noose will try with the shorter rope today night when every one is asleep. Here is a brilliant site explaining partial suspension hanging
http://jiutsu.motionsforum.com/t2-methods-partial-hanging-suspension
Now with a scar on my neck will definitely kill myself before this weekend
I just wish i had someone to talk to. Someone to tell me what to do .. ! 🙁
I just can’t do this anymore. My “life” is nothing but pain after pain. Please give me physical pain. Anything but this burtal self pity/ emotional bull crap i’m feeling right now! I hate this. I hate myself for feeling this!
I have come to a point where i just don’t know what’s left for me anymore. I’ve experienced things, that humans want to. I’ve loved  both mentally and physically and i’ve been brought up in one of the world’s greatest and most beautiful cities but … Why do i still feel like this? There’s only one conclusion and that is; i’m fucking selfish as hell!
As […]
for the past months ive felt so muhc better but now i feel so low again, i’ve told the two girls i love with all my heart everything that i did in my past… all the thigns i believe and i’m sooo scared of what they might think i want to do i dont want to hear what they think ebcause i admited to not being hounest to either of them and if they hate me my life is over… i dont know what to do…. i wanna die…
I don’t know what to do or say anymore.
My friends don’t want to be around, they don’t want to hang out. The promises were all hollow. my family tells me to suck it up and get over it. My own mother told me to go and kill myself. I just cant take it anymore, I cant take having my caring thrown back at me, I cant take people always screwing me over. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Im tired of being all alone, waking up alone, going to bed alone. I just don’t want to live anymore. I wish I had never heard […]
I tried so hard to have a friendship with the woman I truly love, because all I look forward to in this world is seeing her find her soulmate, become the person she wants to be and sail into the proverbial sunset. I don’t care about  me or what becomes of me, I just want to see her be happy, with a fulfilling job and a fulfilling relationship with a good man who’s right for her. But now she’s begun dating a guy named Mitch and deleted my number; she wants me in her life like she wants polio. Now that I can’t see her […]
Where to start..
I guess with how I’m feeling right now. I’m doing awful. And by awful I mean I want to kill myself. I wish that sometimes I would get the guts to try it again. Or I wish I would have died the first time.
My boyfriend has depression as well. And when he is having a bad day he just goes home. (Normally he stays with me as we mostly live together) Like today he got off work early. I didn’t know what time because he never told me. He just said he was having a hard time and didn’t want to […]