ive gotten fat… im getting better at putting on a smile. ive been dressing nicer and more preppy. ive been laughing more. ive been crying less. ive been arguing more. ive been thinking ab0ut him more. ive been treated worse. ive been told everything will be ok but ive been told that before. ive been keeping everything inside like i used to. im reverting back to the old me. perfect pretty girl. loud and outgoing sarcastic with everything put together. hah what a fucking joke. but i am so good at keeping everything in. ive only been cutting on my wrists so i can hide it now. one of my friends started cutting again. they look deeper than her little scratches she did before. but what the fuck was i supposed to say when i used to cover my arms and legs? i wanted to scream and be like WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU START THAT WHEN YOU SAW WHAT I WENT THROUGH. truth is when i see cuts it makes me want to cut. it makes me want to cover my body again in blood. i am not ok. im not. my dad has screwed me over for the last time, my mom and i have been fighting ALOT, my brother hates me, im scared about my future. im out of shape and i just feel like shit… >:[ im complaining and im trying not to rant i just am going crazy and i need something to numb the pain.
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I’m glad you aren’t cutting now! I’ve read posts of yours in the past, cutting all the time.. I know it probably means nothing, but I’m very proud of you for stopping that for a while.. 🙂
It sounds like you’re going through some of the same things addicts go through..
I mean this:
People who quit anything that they once were doing all the time usually have to quit hanging around the friends/people from before..
why? because it’s soooooooo hard to stop doing something if the people around you are still doing it.. and it’s sooooooo easy to start doing it again..
I realize I’m totally being captain obvious here, but please think about it 🙂
can you get new people to hang around or maybe something to do for a good distraction? I use video games, internet, fun people, job, college, etc.
for my distractions
family just sucks sometimes.. 🙁
and I know you don’t want to hear this.. but your friend will have to go through her own trials like you have..
think about it like this: did you listen to anyone when they probably told you that you shouldn’t do something? I don’t know about you, but I sure didn’t..
i know that everyone feels alone in their pain. i am sorry because you feel like you feel now. and you have the right to not be ok and to express how you feel. it is so miserable that we actually have to hide it from people because they won’t be capable to understand. and we have to pretend and with pretending we create fake relationships and friendships. such a miserable life we lead. i also cut myself and i can’t hide my scars anymore because they are huge, covering my arms and legs. i just invent new stories. it makes me sick that we can’t find real people who will stick around in our life, it is a very fucked up world and rare people find what they are looking for. and the future yeah, i wish it doesn’t come. if everything could end today.
shadow: i do understand what youre saying and youre prob right about hanging around with people who dont have problems like me (but i cant just leave the people because they may share some of the same issues it wouldnt be right when they were there for me)… i am going to school in the fall in a different state so i will be able to meet new people and start fresh and thats what im counting on… Thank you for saying youre proud of me i just wish i wasnt cutting at all anymore i just cant seem to go longer than a month without cutting but at least now its not as bad as it used to be
blind: some people i have found do accept peoples problems just unnfortunetly there are so few and usually those people deal with the same issues. I used to cut deep and all over my body as well but people stoppped asking because there was no way someone would constantly be covered in cuts all the time and start bleeding during class. it got so bad i would cut in the bathroom between classes or cover my arms with my sweatshirt like i was cold and cut in class and my sweatshirt and folders would end up being stained with blood. i know its addicting but try every time you want to cut wait 15 mins and see if it pasts and if you still want to cut then do what you need to do. i started doing that and thats how i stopped for a month and since then ive only been cutting my wrists but its not nearly as bad. since cutting is addicting the more you cut the more you want to cut. its like with drugs you build a tolerance to it and you have to do more drugs to get the same effect; you have to cut more and deeper to get relief. try to take a detox break and save your skin… just a word of advice. i know its hard and it seems impossible to stop (and i dont even know if ill ever completely stop cutting) but you owe it to yourself to try… good luck <3