after so many years

I am still alive. now at the age of 21 looking back on what i have been trough and it starts making sense again.
I reached to the breaking point again and remembered this site from long ago and was thinking i should spill my thoughts here.
I never told much about my self from the few posts i made here and now i feel is the time to reveal some details about myself just so things would seem more clearly.
so what to begin with? since when i was a little kid our family had lots of problems. we never were a big family, only my parents and my older sister (and as well her daughter). when i was a kid i got bullied a lot because of my looks (glasses and strange teeth) and because i was in generally a strange kid compared to others. i was always the good girl, always nice to other kids but quite shy and very quiet. i was always clinging on very high morals as a kid and that gave the kids a reason to make fun of me. as i grew up i grew up i got much colder and i became kind of apathetic towards other people. life has never been easy to me because i had many hard lessons to learn from it.
out family never had money and this phrase is craved in my head until now days. a a kid i had to figure out how i get along with the things i do have. and later i had to be concerned of how i keep friend when i have no money and can’t get out or do what ever other normal people my age do. i had to overcome my low self esteem and gain confidence.
to my surprise every time things got really bad somehow i managed to keep my self together. after being abused by my parents and bullied by kids in my school after feeling the world crashing on me i manged to help myself.
and there came a time between the ages 18-20 when i really felt the best, i wasn’t concerned by all the bad things around, i made really strong bond with friends who accepted me just the way i am with all the troubles, people who helped me come out of myself and exactly when i felt like im on the top… i had to go in the army.
you probably ask your self how is this. and the answer is Israel. don’t get me wrong it is not that i went right to the fields shooting at the enemy. it is not even close, for girls most of the army service is office work and things like that. unfortunately going to army is inevitable for most people, you may say teenagers.
well never mind about the details..the thing is that the army service broke me.
completely.
when i first got to army i was an excellent solider. doing my job always trying my best, giving my heart to duty but then after some time i started to feel how fake everything is.
people do not care about you, the commanders don’t give a shit and you get used like a ***** for being a good person. i started to feel bad, i needed help and no matter to who i talked to it was like talking to a wall. i had troubles and the low pay from duty wasn’t enough even to pay for my own cell phone. there was no help. nowhere.
that was the time i started thinking about suicide again. i felt i have no where to run. instead of helping me the commanders put more pressure on me, threatening me that if i won’t be doing my job i will be punished severely.
after a year of crying for help i got to a breaking point where nothing matters anymore, they started to send me to a psychologist and a psychiatrist because i didn’t function well with my job, because i started to be really depressed , i couldn’t eat anymore i didn’t wast to talk i was crying every morning when i realized i had to get up. i really wanted to die. i never told the psychologist about my real sever problems and my darkest thoughts about death and suicide. i knew that if i tell the truth i might do a mistake that would leave me a black mark to go on with life so i endured myself to go on with the pain and started figuring out how to i end with the service as soon as possible.
at the end i finished my service 5 months before the original date. after i have been trough hell.
since than…nothing is as before. although i am out of army i feel lost. i am 21 years old but i don’t know anything anymore. i don’t know what to do or where to go. i find my self struggling communicating with people. i lost purpose of living …i try to get myself back together and i can’t.
i feel lost and betrayed by society..looking at other people who didn’t have experience like that and they have everything they could ask makes me bitter. i was never like this before and i can’t help myself but thinking negative thoughts which drain me out of will to live on.