How long Muust this Go on

Been cutting since I was 15 (7 1/2 years). Never thought I would do it, once I started, never thought I would stop. I finally stopped. Went over a year without cutting, then relapsed, then stayed “clean” then relapsed then stayed “clean” then relapse and so on and so on. I will always be an addict to this stupid thing that controls me. I crave the feel of it, the release it gives me. I know I should have control over it, especially by now, but I cant help but want to give into it. I am still and always will be a depressed person, no matter how happy I am in a moment. Even when I finally think I am happy, with great friends, supporting family, great jobs, and a loving fiance, I give into the depression and cut. I finally come out of it, REALIZING how blessed I am to have all these things but then, I move to somewhere where I have no friends, my family is 1000’s of miles away, I dont have a job and my fiance left me for another woman……i have never felt so lost……When does it stop? When can I finally gain control back. I look down at the scars all over my body and I become ashamed and embarrassed. At the same time though I get such a great rush when I cut and I could care less for the marks it leaves on my body. in fact, the blood I see running down my skin and seeing the deep cut that it leaves makes the rush even greater. I wish I hated this addiction I have….but I dont