I can feel myself almost needing to go, I can’t stand to look anybody in the eyes anymore. I hate them. I hate that they will remember me if I go. IÂ just want to be gone, and forgotten… Sinking, slowly to the bottom of the ocean. It feels like I will never be able to breathe again… Why should I stick around, just to get my heart broken again, my dreams crushed and my hopes thrown off a cliff? I shouldn’t.. I don’t want to.. it seems like every breathe is a point for the other side in my losing battle…. I just don’t know what to do…
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“I am fighting.. I think for my grandparents… Imagining them at my
funeral breaks me.. I couldn’t put them through that right..? I think for
every person… struggling to keep your head above the waves of pain… Try and find someone dear to fight for… It very well may have saved my
life…”
– I also had trouble sleeping a couple of years ago; I tried this progressive relaxation therapy (based on Edmund Jacobson – I think) – it helped… Maybe you could look into something like that…
Like you said, having someone “dear to fight for” and /or holding on to your dreams/goals are necessary to “keep your head above the waves of pain” … It’s sad that so many of us are born into rather dysfunctional – abusive even – families. I hope you speak to your grandparents and find strenght and hope to get through what you’re having to deal with. You should really talk to a counselor as well, if you’re not already doing so. Keep safe.
Some times, I have days when it seems easy to say that.. to keep fighting for them… but some times… it just doesn’t seem like enough…
Okay… you’re not a coward – well, if by whatever measure you are, then I’m that multiplied by 3 (at least) … What I’m still doing here is a mystery, that if I even allow myself to take a good look at, I may go completely insane (if you look at some of the stuff I’ve written, you wouldn’t be wrong to assume I’m probably mostly there [insane])… But, by what you write, I see a lot of hope, a lot of potential for/in you — you express yourself very well… yes, sometimes the hope (people/dreams/aspirations) we cling onto, seems rather insignificant with what we’re faced with; the “waves of pain” rather overwhelming; keep trying to communicate (particularly with your grandparents) – even on here – and try to immerse yourself in your hobbies and develop/express your talents, and know that you will get to a place of greater independence/autonomy.
It’s all I’ve got – all the best to you…
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I’ll do my best, no promises though.. Thank-you<3
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Don’t know how much longer *I* am going to be on this site, but keep writing / interacting (here, perhaps, and wherever you can do so safely, with people who will contribute positively to your life); yes, please do your “best”; and, again, *talk* to people you feel safe with …
Thank *you* – keep safe …
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@searchingformeaning
It upsets me that someone so caring and helpful to a complete stranger over the internet can be dealt such a shit hand they feel they have no other choice than what the majority of us are contemplating.
If the world were fair at all your position would be flipped and i honestly and genuinely feel the world will be a worse place without you.