I’ve recently started truly considering ending things.
I met the woman of my dreams and fell head over heels in love with her. She was beautiful and amazing and felt like the woman I felt I deserved. So like an idiot I rushed foolishly into marriage with her. And immediately after getting married she changed into a totally different person. She started having conversations on her phone with guys talking about how they wanted to hook up with her and she would go along with it. So we ended up arguing and fighting about it but she took it way beyond just a fight. So she left the motel room we were renting and took less than a day to go 2 rooms down and fuck the nasty guy living there. And when I say nasty, I’m talking ugly, heroin addicted, std carrying nasty dude. Then she goes off and starts snorting drugs and I find out she is screwing dudes for money all within three days of the fight. But I end up begging her to come back, so she does for half a day. Because she decides to tell me that she is going on a date with some guy she says wants to sleep with her. I go along in an effort to not lose her. Later that night I find out she is over 100 miles away in a hotel with said guy. So she turns up the next day and chaos ensues, she tries beating on me and the cops get involved. She goes back to drugs and hooking and staying with drug boy that she fucked. Well he gets her to pawn her expensive stuff to buy him heroin and he kicks her out. Well with nowhere to go she comes to me asking to stay, next day I catch her in a lie about her going to meet some dude, but I overlook it. She claims she needs to go for a walk and I catch her making out with drug boy red handed. We fight and she disappears again but comes back swearing to really try to fix things. So we try for less than a week and it’s just pointless. She felt she needed space but with all of her lying and cheating I couldn’t trust her at all. So she goes and cheats again. And once again we fight but this time she drags me to the courthouse and we file for divorce.
So now we’re all caught up, I tried to keep it short.
This isn’t my first failure at love. In fact I’ve done nothing but fail. And I’m in a bad position in life in general. I was laid off for a while and lost everything, to either debt or robbery. SoAnd I’m living in a motel broke. I’ve been hurt so much in life, I’ve been beaten raped and abused since childhood. I’ve had enough pain. But this is new and it hurts more than any pain I’ve ever suffered.
I want her back so bad, I can’t get her out of my head but she doesn’t want me. If I can’t have her I don’t want anyone else I’d honestly rather die.
4 comments
lose the *****. man i recently felt an intense break up and know what thats like. she treated me pretty bad but this is next level. heart goes out to you man. keep inching forward. occupy yourself with other things. this girl is a hurricane on legs. keep away.
You don’t want ‘her.’ You want who you want her to be… but that’s not who she is.
Cut her out of your life like a cancer.
You’ll probably never forget how you felt, or feel, for who you thought she was, or wanted her to be… but she’s not that. Pain and destruction is all she can offer.
Reclaim yourself. Never risk another loss for her. Rebuild yourself and find someone else, or find a way to live without.
If the truth is that the love of your life was just a fantasy… then that’s just that. Maybe there’s someone else you can find who isn’t such a “hurricane on legs.”
They’re not all like that. You have to get through this to have a chance to find what’s worth finding.
She was probably the best chance I’ve ever had at truly finding someone who will be with me. People hate me. I have no friends or family. She made me so happy, I would change anything, be anything for her to want me again. But she doesn’t, and I don’t want to live in a world where she doesn’t want me
I’ve been there. I know it’s not exactly the same, but it’s similar enough that the account of your experiences hit home with me. I’ve spent years struggling to cope, trying to deal, trying to accept, hoping, wishing, analyzing, reanalyzing, trying to find a way to change what i can’t…
And this is where i’m supposed to say: “And in the end, i figured out how to be okay again.” But i didn’t. At least, not in practice. I have some good theories based in reality… but at some point i realized that i was in love with a person who only existed in my mind, who was strikingly similar to the actual person, but with a critical difference that i couldn’t find a way to fix. I realized that i will always have feelings for that person i remember… but that person is gone now, whether she ever really existed, or was just pretending to be what i wanted. I learned that i only have access to incomplete information, so i have to take all i know, see what’s missing, and fill in the gaps with whatever fits, and let that be the best approximate explanation i can give myself.
Sure, i still think of her, all the time. I can’t help it. But i know the person i long for is nowhere to be found, even though another “person” still pilots her flesh around. I know the “she” i miss, does not exist.
And so… despite the most likely outcome that i will never find another, i do realize that i wouldn’t want someone who behaved the way mine did. I would be more likely to believe in a “God,” than to believe she would ever do what would now be required to make it right. She doesn’t want it to be right. She wants it to be wrong. She wants it to be just another nothing, just another “mistake” from the past she’d like to erase. She can just choose not to care, and i can’t… and though i hate her for that, i can’t help but envy that ability. If only i could just choose not to care… just choose which things i allow myself to feel… then it wouldn’t matter. I would choose not to miss someone who doesn’t exist, because missing her gets me nowhere, and only hinders my progress. But i don’t know how to forget it, and i don’t know how to choose not to care, when it’s the one thing i know i cared about, more than anything else i ever have.
The actions you’ve described, enacted by this person you adore… really make her seem like a terrible person. I don’t think you really want who she really is… and that’s where i felt like i’ve been there.
It makes me feel so pathetic to know that i, too, would literally drop everything and make any adjustment, if it would bring back the one i thought i had, and make her want, and choose, to stay… but that’s just wishful thinking of the most fantastical kind. And the rest of me says “fuck that. Fuck that *****. I wouldn’t piss on her if she was burning to death.” That’s what she made of my feelings, instead of making the most and best of us.
I hate how it feels to think she’s out there somewhere laughing at me, accurately guessing that i’m somewhere out there miserably missing her, even when she knows i know i shouldn’t. I know she’s done me so wrong, i know she’s been the villain and blamed the victims and maliciously deceived not just me, but many others. I know she knows she’s as evil and vile and disgusting as her own actions show her to be… and we both know there’s nothing Legal i can do about it. It’s a fucked up feeling to want revenge against the one person i can’t stop loving, who was the only one to ever make me believe she loved me. There is no triumphant rising above, no closure, no peace… just a giant void that i must learn to fill with more of Me. I don’t ever want to deal with anyone like her, ever again. I’d rather be alone, if i can’t find better… even though the romantic longing and loneliness is agonizing, even debilitating at times.
So… you have to stabilize and accept that she’s not who you remember, not who you miss, not who you want. And i know that’s a sad thing to understand. You’ll pity her sometimes… hate her other times… wish you could just look into her eyes again… but you won’t see “her.” You’ll see that she’ll just leave again. Because she doesn’t want you. Because she’s not who you remember. Maybe she never was.
You gotta find someone who won’t rip your heart out and stomp on it right before your eyes… and then blame you for it.
Someone who does what you described… is not worth the damage you’ve endured. It costs far too much to heal and rebuild. Not just pain and resources, but most importantly, lost time.
Live for you. Strive to become who you want to be. I would say “don’t think of her again,” but i know that’s impossible… so minimize it as much as possible, and don’t dwell. When the thoughts come, let them pass. They serve no purpose now.