Doomed From Birth

I’m 18 years old and I feel trapped in my life.  Every single day since I can remember, I’ve woken up miserable and hating myself.  It started when I was 4 years old and my parents got divorced.  My dad got married a few months later and I lost almost all contact with him aside from our three hour visits each month, which are forced and I dread going to.  I grew up living in an apartment complex and my family was in a horrible financial situation.  My mom would yell and complain and take out her depression on me and my siblings every day of every year.  She and my older sister made me feel bad about myself.  They are both verbally abusive and the most self-absorbed people I know.  I was criticized for everything including the way I dressed, who I hung out with, my hobbies, and even the way I would stand/talk/move.  It was like growing up without parents.  There was absolutely no love, encouragement, or support in my upbringing.

To make matters worse, I was bullied at school.  I had no friends up until my sophomore year of high school.  It happened because of my looks, my weight, and because I was shy.  Now I have a horrible body image and can barely speak to people.  When I’m around other people, I don’t even feel like a human being.  It’s like I have no personality and don’t know who I am.  I tried talking to my family about the way I feel, but my mom denies everything.  I know they will never change and I should just move on, but I can’t because I’m so screwed up from my childhood.  Something that really gets me is that my mom puts on this fake personality in front of other people in order to make herself look good.  She also has a great career now, but she can’t manage her money so we’re still living like we’re poor.

I have the emotional capacity of an infant.  I cry all the time and I’m extremely sensitive.  I hate everything about myself.  I feel like the scum of the earth because of where I come from.  I feel ugly, worthless, and stupid.  I’m socially awkward and have social anxiety because of all the abuse.  I cannot feel a connection with anybody.  I’ve never been in a relationship, I have one friend, and I feel sad and alone.  My biggest fear is that nobody would ever want me especially since I’m ugly and come from a bad family.  I have a genetic skin condition called keratosis pilaris all over my legs and it’s severe.  There is no cure and nothing I try makes it go away.The only escape I could see for myself was going to college, yet I can’t even do that because my parent’s income was too high for me to get financial aid/loans.  I must pay for it all myself and there is absolutely no way.  My job is making me miserable and it’s not getting me anywhere near enough money to go to college.  I can’t afford a car either so I’m stuck in the house all day.  Everything In life is screwed up.  I want to live–I just don’t want to live if I have to be me.  I hate my guts.  Please help…