got alzheimers?

angry again. why exactly i can’t really say. angry with myself, the world, everyone and everything. blah blah. that is what depression is -right? anger turned inward. self loathing. mind games where you set yourself up to fail. i will never win because i don’t believe i deserve to. i can talk a good game in therapy but that inner cynic is there to remind me of my unworthiness, worthlessness. the cynic is working hard to convince me that life isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. that i have every reason and right to tell everyone fuck you and off myself. the cynic points out all the diseases depression patients are more likely to contract-heart disease, diabetes, cancer, alzheimers. the alzheimers scares me. i watched both of my grandmothers succumb to it. to those of you not familiar with the brain disease it is like this: the patient essentially regresses into varying stages of childhood.  at the end the patient has become the mental equivalent of an infant. it is hard to watch someone fade away like that. i would rather be dead than get this disease. and so the on going debate of will i? or won’t i? never seems to cease. i have built myself a prison cell. brick by brick i build a wall to hide behind. part of it was for survival. most of it for self destruction. the door for this prison is locked from the inside. i can’t get out, you can’t get in.  it’s a rather high stakes game . one that i am not sure i want to win.