I Don’t Want To Be Alive Anymore

I haven’t so much as had a sip of alcohol in 16 years, but last night I threw an empty bottle into the parking lot. It was late, like 3:30, and I wanted to be alone. I had just lost something special. Special to me, but something you wouldn’t understand. I left my house and walked down the street, alcohol in my hand. I lived up the street from a church. I didn’t try the door, instead I parked myself in the front lawn. I watched the cars pass by, some paying attention to the red lights and others not giving a damn. I threw the bottle high, and I still hear the sound it made when it landed. I like that sound. I went around back to the preschool; my old preschool, and I sat down on the park bench. I hate myself. I cursed God.yelled at him for all that it was worth. If he was even real. If he is real he’s a cold hearted bastard, and I hate Him. Put me into this world to watch me fail. And not once did he help me. Not once did he make it fair. Everyone around me was just goddamn better. My family, my friends, and those sons of bitches got what they wanted. People tell me, they say, if you work hard enough it will all work out. It’s bullshit. I believed it for so long, and when the time came, the mother fuckers who didn’t give a moment got it all. And I fell. They didn’t work for this, didn’t put into it what I did, they took what God gave them and beat me. Life is unfair. Imagine the situation like this. You go to every practice, work hard, run on your own, then when tryouts come you get cut and the kids with the natural talent beat you. Fuck them. They can go to hell, or heaven, and have to spend eternity with that backstabbing good for nothing son of a *****. I used to pray to Him. That he would make everything better. But he doesn’t have the time or the enough fucks to give to help me out. Clearly. Well I hope this is what he wanted of me; a failure. Good for nothing. I hope I was everything He planned for me, because this was all He ever set me up for.