I think its my time

I wish this life would through me a little hope im really drowning and don’t see a way out but this. I dont see a point of living anymore. I met the women i saw in dreams for many years I was suppose to marry and it was awful but great to cause I loved her so much and she did me to but then bad things after bad things kept happening and she dumped me after 2 and half years together. We had planned on getting married but couldn’t cause im on disability for brain and mental problems i have and if we got married it would have gotten cut in half. we couldnt make it on that little. I love her more then life but cause im a looser and have no way of helping her many problems she left me. She is a visually ugly woman to look at had many people even ask me why i was with her cause she was so ugly and dirty looking to them but I love her to me she used to be the most beautiful women in the world. I now see the ugliness and dirtiness they all warned me about. Its like she just doesn’t try at all well more then that she is a mean person she has turned cruel so now even her soul is ugly. I dont know why i ever loved her she looks so hideous to me now in every way but I still love her and miss her like crazy. she uses her abuse as a kid as a excuse to be mean to people and cruel even sadistic at times. well anyways she wont even talk to me now she really was my only life line only one ive ever found i really relate to. I put spells on her to try and get her back but God showed her i did in a dream and now she hates me even more. I know now she will never talk to me again. she was suppose to be my help mate and wife. She even many times that God told her i was her only one to but then she left me in my time of greatest need and she is seeing another guy who she lied to me again and again about even when i presented her with proof she lies and lies like if she keeps saying something it will make it true when its a lie. I cant take it anymore. I have tried to commit suicide three times now and every time God has stopped it super naturally. I begged him to stop saving me and just let me leave here. I think yesterday I got a sign that he wont stop me this time and gave me his blessing to do it. I went to a day treatment place to try and get help but during the lunch break as i was walking something strange happened one of the druggies around there called me over to her car. she handed me a bag I tried to give it back but she was out of it. She told me to keep it that ide know what to do with it. She said this world was not made for kind souls like you you have been through enough its time to go home. It felt like God talking to me. I put it in my back pack and didnt open it till I got home by myself it was a gun with five bullets in it. Seems crazy but made me feel relieved i didn’t want to do it using drugs. i have put that gun to my head 4 times now but have not had the nerve to do it. Thats not true first time i did but the safety was on and it didnt do nothing. then i started thinking i cant do this to my family. I cant let my brother find me like that. He struggles with suicidal thoughts him self a bunch. Ive thought how i could do this and them not know and just disappear. I think maybe if I bought a bus ticket and went to another state and went deep in a swamp and did it no one would ever find out. im determined this is my last month on earth. i dont want to turn 31 on October the 12 im tired of thinking it might get better these years it did get better for couple of years but then it got worse then its ever been cause she could care less about me now. she used to be my best friend and we would tell each other everything now she truly hates me and could care less. I wonder if you take out a life insurance policy if it would pay if a person just goes missing I suppose i could set it up like i was kidnapped I do have a past in high up occult so possibly they would just think they came to get me back. Ide love to be able to give them money to get there lifes going after im gone but i spent all my money on my ex she dumped me shortly after it was all gone my lump sum of back payment I hope thats not why she dumped me but who knows who she is now i dont know that woman at all maybe she was never the woman she seemed to be. well anyway im planning on trying to buy a buss ticket the first of next month to the closest swamp area close to here i got to find somewhere with alligators that has deep swamp i can go get lost in very far into it so i wont be found. Im going to get supper drunk and get a mask ive read its easier to get past the survival instinct if you do it like that. I figure between the fast decomposition of muddy water and alligators I should never be found and that would make it easier for everyone who has known me to move on. Its better then if they had a grave they felt obligated to visit once a year to remember me and grieve over me about. I tried to riech out so many times to all of them Tina most of all but she didnt see it as a friend who was heart broken who truely needed her to help heal when wounded to deep to take instead she just thinks im a nut stalker ex that wont leave her alone. I wont bother or warn anyone again they are to busy with there lifes and other men to care about me anyways. Im still looking for a reason to live and not do this but I doubt anything will show up it feels like its my time im just hurting the people I love and making there lives more difficult. I really hope I dont go to hell but this life has become hell with how much i miss my best friend and how heart broken i am. Im giving God sometime to turn it around and help me but i plan on going through with this as soon as possible. I cant buy buss ticket till next month anyways. part of me is really looking forward to this ive been so lonely to long im really relieved at the idea of that pain being over soon. Yeah she could of saved me cause i love her so much but she didnt and she doesnt even care anymore I dont blaim her i am a looser and really have nothing going for me but neither did she either she could have done or been anything and i would have never left her i love her so much. even is she was scared beyond recognition and horribly disfigured I would have stayed by her side till the end i love her so much could not even want one day not with her no matter what but she never loved me like that no one ever has or will. Im just a romantic fool alone I need to leave here if i get to heaven perhaps ill fit in there this place is to harsh and unkind for me I dont think i was ever meant for here. Im sorry i couldnt fake it either. I just wish my helpmate would have loved me as much as i love her then it would have all been different but im not in control i cant make dreams like that come true not even with Gods help. im really scared to die and not ready but i need to stop putting it off and just do it. Peoples lifes are a lot harder to live because of me. by world I loved dearly and tried to help but i just didn’t measure up I never wanted to do this but i really don’t see any other choice now I wish it would have all worked out its a beautiful place. I wish there was more kind souls here anyways hard to say goodbye but this is Steve from Oklahoma saying bye world.