its to much

you look at my life, seems calm and cozy. i have a well balcenced life with exersise and friends. got ski racing and cadets. From a birds eye view it looks as if  i have the near perfect life not just from other people but i think so to but im just so sad. my life is overrun in my mind i gotta think what to do next for cadets so the head officer wont give me shit. But he does any way no matter how hard i try. he tell me to do a list of things i need for next week. usaully saying polish boots,hem pants,iron rhis and iron that. so i do and the first thing he does is give me a new list. so you think just quit cadets, but i want to be in the uk air force. the pain is to strong to bare so im probly going to quit anyway. the thing that makes me so a grinched is that evrey time i try somthing i dont finish it. you name it evrey time i do anything it leads to me giving up because i cant handle it. the list is from minisculle things like drinking tea to more big things like ski racing or cadets. this is an ongoing problem for me. it all started two years ago when my parents first divorced i lived with my mom for the first year in an apartment. evrey night i would go to the balcony edge for like two hours and just sit there thinking if i should jump or not. this went on with no concern from me or my peers because i never thought any thing of it. so i moved into my dads house bin there for three years and all this shit came back. it was about half a year ago sometime in march it all came back with a vengence. i mean like evrey minueut it was kill that or hang now and so on and so on. it didnt go away i just got used to it. used to having evrey ten mineuts of my life trying to kill myself. until about june 2013 i develpled scrizofrienia and a siezer sydrom so i saw a counsuler told her what i told you and she said i need to go to bc childrens hospital straight away. so i went the doctor said is this that about divorce and i told them i hate my mom and she was never part of my life anyway. the docter went into the other room and though that i was fucked. after three days got out went home tried it again didnt work. so my usuall day of sucide attemps evrey ten mineuts played out unit late august 2013. i remember the i got cadets so im going to tell my dad that that i cant do it same thing with ski racing. i feel more realeved that im going to tell him. then thought to myself ive never finished any thing cant even go to school so what the point of always being disapointed because i dont have the mental strength to do anythin why dont i just give up on life for real no half trying to kill myself if i dont get any support whether its on this page or not in two weeks ill go dowm town vancover and jump of the canada pacific building. please to anybody on my post i just did this to see if anybody could give me a legit soullution. ps god forgives all sin so as long as im prepared i’ll go to heaven.