Run away, my friend!

I feel the need to run away. what do i do among them? its my hatred for them that’s the cause of my decline, i clearly see it now. i play games when exams are near, i don’t do what every sane person would do at critical moments, i deliberately miss opportunities…why? to bring my image down in their eyes, to not become great in front of them..that’s how i take revenge from them! i don’t know if it makes sense. they praised me a lot when i topped my school and got admission in one of the best colleges. on the surface i liked it but deep down i hate their praise, it repulses me more than anything else. and i revenged them and proved them by getting as low as possible in college academics. now its job time and i should be preparing for tests and interviews, but i deliberately sit in front of computer all day, doing next to nothing. ofcourse i worry for my future, but i guess its not enough in front of hatred. and when they yell at me, deep down it seem to satisfy my soul. why do i hate them? i really have no answer to it…i just do. I have tried a lot to disconnect them from myself, to make them not matter, but nothing has worked. so i think this is the last, and the best, thing for me to do: run away. run away before i fall more, before i degrade myself more. i have already fallen enough. i should have made this move far earlier. the only that stops me is love for my parents. although they too come within the domain of hate for others, but i love them more, and i worry for their future. you know, in India society matter a lot, and my parents, esp. my mom, cares a lot about “what people will say”. and i can only imagine what not people will say if i make this step. i know loosing me will not give them as much pain as words of others will. had it only been about me i would have convinced them that my going will only benefit me and they should be happy that their son will be happy and free. but how can i prevent them from others.

Last night i imagined it all for hours, and it was giving me a strange kind of happiness. i also thought about what i will write in my letter. first i will try to convince my parents that they should not worry about me, then i will counteract one by one all arguments that “people” may say about me to my parents. i will try to minimize damage as much as possible. then i will take one by one those whom i love and finally say sorry to parents for leaving them.

and what i will do after leaving? i will wander, most probably into mountains. there i will, as Zarathustra did, enjoy my spirit. occasionally i may interact with villagers also. if i found something (in terms of wisdom) i will share it with others, otherwise i will die peacefully. for sure nature is better than people. it looks like a childish dream, but then i have it since my childhood.

as for now i will give it a few more tries. i thought out a solution last night, so i will try to implement it and see what happens.