Tonight is not THE night..

I have been waiting at the bus stop of a very long time now, waiting for my bus to come.. the assurance that I CAN get on a bus when ever I want without much Baggage gives me some kind of relief.

This is basically how my day goes. I don’t really get sound sleep during the night, its pretty much disturbed and when ever I wake up in between, during that little time when your sleep gets disturbed and you fall back asleep, I could only think about CTB.

when I wake up in the morning I am pretty sure that today is the day, an that I am finally going to get on the bus tonight. I spend the next few hours going over minute details and searching internet for method files.. I read and re-read same content again and again so that I could be absolutely sure. As the day goes by I make mental notes of what my final notes is supposed say, IF I decide to leave one.

By evening I try out my technique and clean up my spot and my room and wait for nightfall. BUT when it is actually night, I get really sleepy and half heartily postpone it by one more day.

I still have a soft cloth-scarf noose hanging from my window(one that I have made for partial strangulation), and a thick nicotine paste that I extracted from 1000 cigarettes, a packet full of “fake” cyanide powder that I bought from an internet dealer,and a really sharp thick blade, all waiting to full fill their full purpose.

I am not afraid of dying but I just get so drained physically and mentally by the end of the day, with all the preparation, that I just feel this need to get some REAL sleep before I DO something and I end just end up over sleeping with the random sleep-wake cycle and post pone IT by one more day. And the same cycle continues.

So my question is, What is it that I am doing wrong, can anyone help me understand…??? does any one know of any easy method out??