Do you have a father? I know everyone has, but does your dad love you? Does he remember your birthday? Does he remember, how old you are? Does he want you a good life? Or does he even want you to live?
Mine doesn’t.
Mine was ready to kill me.
Mine values beer over me.
My mum left my dad when I was 2 years, because dad threatened her and my lives. He said he’d kill mum. And when mum left, dad wouldn’t want her to have me, so he wanted to slice me in two pieces, one for him and one for mum. Or just kill me so neither of them would have me.
When they separated, mum would let dad see me only if he wasn’t drunk. Guess his choice? He chose drinking.
He doesn’t remember my birthdays, or in Christmas. He didn’t remember me when I graduated. He calls me about twice a year, the times he’s more drunk than he usually is. The call lasts a couple of minutes every time. First he says I’m a bad daughter because I don’t keep in touch with him. Then he asks how old am I. Then he says my mum is a bad person and a bad mother.
So I never had a good childhood. After grandmom took her life, mum became depressed. I don’t mean she was a bad mum – I think she’s the best mum anyone could be blessed with. But it was hard after grandmom died. And later, mum dated an alcoholic, who actually hated me. He caused me a trauma, of which I still suffer.
I’ve been bullied through school. Never had a good friend for long. All of them realized sooner or later that they didn’t wanna be with me after all.
But somehow, through all the hard times and through all the depression, cutting and suicide attempts, I am still here. I am still trying to hang on.
But I’m so tired of hanging on. I’ve tried to build a normal life for so many times, and have failed every time. I haven’t even given up all the times, everything just got screwed up.
In October the first I will be homeless. I can’t seem to get a new apartment even now that I go to work. There are no apartments, besides the very expensive ones I can’t afford. And because I am young and a student, people don’t want to rent me an apartment.
I don’t have any relationships because I just moved into another city. Only my work, which is about 3 hours a day 4 times a week. No school at the moment. I just rot every day at home. Alone.
It seems that the more I try to build a life, the worse I fail. And after all these tries, I’m sick of trying anymore. I just want to leave every human contact, stay at home, rot until the janitor comes to see, what the hell smells here. I’m even too tired to take the blade and cut – I’m too sick and tired for cutting!
I’m too sick and tired to kill myself. I don’t feel a thing. Nothing means anything. I just go day after day like a robot.
And I’m sick and tired of it.
5 comments
if you don’t think your father is helping you with your life, then don’t see him anymore. or, perhaps you can try to understand your father and see what kind of environment he might have lived in to become that way. either way, the only option i see is for you too be the bigger woman.
another thing that I think might help you is focusing on your school work. i’m guessing that coming from your environment, you didn’t have a family that really cared about your future or schoolwork. that is why you need to get help with school. most importantly, see a school counselor that might be able to help you with your schoolwork and depression. just know this, it’s not going to suddenly get better in a day and a counselor is not going to suddenly change your life. it’s going to take a while and i just want you to stick in there. i’m not guaranteeing life is going to get better, but you can at least do your best and see if luck comes your way.
finally, i’m not too sure what you can do about the homeless situation. is there any way you can perhaps stay at a homeless shelter or seek an organization that welcomes homeless youth?
I live with my dad and he doesn’t notice me so youre not alone
@chancetherapper, I haven’t answered to dads calls or contacted in a couple of years. It just bothers me, because every parent usually loves their children unconditionally, but I wasn’t good enough for even my own father to love me. I just keep thinking, what could I have done wrong for him to hate me so much?
I also have been in therapy for last six years, on meds for six years and even in psych ward a couple of times for two months at a time. My mum has always encouraged me to do my best, and I actually have succeeded very well in my studies. My grades are over average! 🙂 But that just makes it harder to deal with the fact that at the moment I’m kinda tired to focus on studies so my grades aren’t so good anymore.
I’m going to take an appointment for social worker to talk about my apartment situation. I wish I could just move back home to my mums but my work and school is in different city than mum. So I just have to try to find a home for me. Feeling a little better at the moment (but it sure will pass by) so feeling a little more hopeful for the whole apartment thing. Maybe if I try really hard, I will find it..
@people_do_care, I’m honestly very thankful for you to notify me about that. I think that nowadays it’s way too common that parents ignore their children. It hurts so much, and later on, nothing can fix all the damage they have done. I wish there was something we could do about it, but it just seems to be more and more common everyday that parents ignore their kids. I wish all the good for you. Have courage! <3
I’m sure because you’re in therapy that you’ve heard time and time again that why he is the way he is has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, where he came from, and how he decided to cope with life. It’s absolutely got nothing to do with your little innocent self. Not the day you were born and not now. I realize you’ve probably heard this time and time again and that while you may know it on some level you don’t *feel* it which is the important thing. I hope one day you can see that you’re wanted and he lost out on seeing your life.
You are strong enough to get through this. It’s not because of you that your are depressed, anyone would say that you have a lot on your shoulders.