Do you have a father? I know everyone has, but does your dad love you? Does he remember your birthday? Does he remember, how old you are? Does he want you a good life? Or does he even want you to live?
Mine was ready to kill me.
Mine values beer over me.
My mum left my dad when I was 2 years, because dad threatened her and my lives. He said he’d kill mum. And when mum left, dad wouldn’t want her to have me, so he wanted to slice me in two pieces, one for him and one for mum. Or just kill me so neither of them would have me.
When they separated, mum would let dad see me only if he wasn’t drunk. Guess his choice? He chose drinking.
He doesn’t remember my birthdays, or in Christmas. He didn’t remember me when I graduated. He calls me about twice a year, the times he’s more drunk than he usually is. The call lasts a couple of minutes every time. First he says I’m a bad daughter because I don’t keep in touch with him. Then he asks how old am I. Then he says my mum is a bad person and a bad mother.
So I never had a good childhood. After grandmom took her life, mum became depressed. I don’t mean she was a bad mum – I think she’s the best mum anyone could be blessed with. But it was hard after grandmom died. And later, mum dated an alcoholic, who actually hated me. He caused me a trauma, of which I still suffer.
I’ve been bullied through school. Never had a good friend for long. All of them realized sooner or later that they didn’t wanna be with me after all.
But somehow, through all the hard times and through all the depression, cutting and suicide attempts, I am still here. I am still trying to hang on.
But I’m so tired of hanging on. I’ve tried to build a normal life for so many times, and have failed every time. I haven’t even given up all the times, everything just got screwed up.
In October the first I will be homeless. I can’t seem to get a new apartment even now that I go to work. There are no apartments, besides the very expensive ones I can’t afford. And because I am young and a student, people don’t want to rent me an apartment.
I don’t have any relationships because I just moved into another city. Only my work, which is about 3 hours a day 4 times a week. No school at the moment. I just rot every day at home. Alone.
It seems that the more I try to build a life, the worse I fail. And after all these tries, I’m sick of trying anymore. I just want to leave every human contact, stay at home, rot until the janitor comes to see, what the hell smells here. I’m even too tired to take the blade and cut – I’m too sick and tired for cutting!
I’m too sick and tired to kill myself. I don’t feel a thing. Nothing means anything. I just go day after day like a robot.
And I’m sick and tired of it.