life of a mulatto

I’m just an average teen with an unusual problem. I have the heart of an caveman. Sometimes I sit still hold my breathe just to see if my heart is beating most of the time its seems like its not. I could watch someone get hit by a car and just stand there and laugh. My soul is so dark that the only emotion joy when others get hurt. I think of killing myself everyday. I look for suicide methods and when i look it over i smile and say that’s a good way to die. I would kill myself but i have no opportunity . Everyday i get up i lie i have to tell everyone am ok when i know deep down i want death to take me. But it seems he only chose those who aren’t ready. My only outlet from life is my dreams and lifestyle. Is slowly taking that from me . The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that death visit all.