Visualizing suicide

I was smoking at the window. Then I “saw” myself lying dead on the road. No blood. I saw myself from behind just dead and for the first time since I’m thinking death should be a solution to my problems I got the courage (I felt an impulse) to jump. I was feeling good imagining me jumping from the window. I’m still afraid from that feeling. My life is just a piece of shit and I found no ways to get rid of my frustrations. Years studying, getting good grades and fighting against a chronicle disease that have ruined my life and only gave me a big depression and then I’m stucked in  a meaningless life.