Help is at Hand

I have what’s known as a Floating Support Worker, who I love dearly. He’s an Oxford graduate (Classics) in his early twenties, he’s doing a Masters in ‘Early Intervention in Psychosis’ at King’s College, London. He’s quite posh – he’s from Wales but has no trace of a Welsh accent. Super intelligent.

I told him I come here, and I told him that I was recently sent a free sample of (supposedly) ******** after an exchange of emails with some guy in India. I took a little just to test it. It tasted foul, but did make me a little groggy. Without a tester kit (you can get them from the Final Exit network I believe, or the Peaceful Pill people) there’s no way of knowing what it really is. Even if it is ********, there’s no way to know whether, if I sent off payment,  I would receive the quantity I need to off myself, or indeed, whether the whole set-up is a scam.

He took this seriously, and contacted my Care Coordinator. Her supervisor called me up, a lovely lady. I felt slightly embarrassed, and tried to explain to her that suicide is simply a part of my life. It was so nice of them to care though. I was touched. I saw him yesterday, he visits me in my home, and we discussed it. He said he wants me to know that when such feelings and thoughts happen, as they undoubtedly do, and will,  that I have support in dealing with them.

It’s only recently that I’ve found that talking about suicide evokes a prompt response like this . For many years (I’m 51 now) since I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1 (with psychosis) I’ve discussed my suicidal thoughts  with countless doctors, psychiatrists, mental health professionals, counsellors and therapists with little apparent response from them.

I appreciate my workers’ concern. It helps me feel, somehow, contained. But suicide will always be a part of my life. I would not want to take ******** this week, next week, or even next month or year. I’m not currently suicidal and don’t expect to be anytime soon. It’s something I take very seriously indeed. I just want to know that I have the means for a peaceful and painless death at the time of my choosing. A kind of insurance policy. I t would mean the world to me just to know it was there.

I’ve never attempted suicide. It’s not something I ever want to attempt. I only want to carry it out. I’ve researched all kind of methods extensively and decided ******** was for me.  It’s extremely hard to get though, and a lot of people are chasing it. The Holy Grail of suicide methods. And I know I’m possibly flouting the rules of this site, but I don’t want to discuss methods. I only want to tell my story.

Let’s hear it for the (good) professionals though. They can make such a difference.