I served in the Civil Air Patrol. And I was proud of it. Around December, my life dried up. I was around an Airman then. I was angry with myself. I was a total slacker, and was so lazy it infuriated me. I was a disgrace to my squadron, who was often considered the best in the state. The  Disappointment in my own actions made me angry. I was alone. I have been since then. I. am. Dying on the inside. My stress limit has officially been destroyed. Help. Me.
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Why feel angry at yourself for the perception that you were slacking in your position? Couldn’t you just not do that and find a more easy flow, like putting up the sails for the ocean breeze to carry you through the craziness? Getting angry at yourself for stuff you didn’t do distracts from doing the things you still have yet to arrive at. It turns into a cycle of repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and getting angry at yourself every step of the way.
Heh, but I do know it’s never that simple. Are you still in your squadron, or are you somewhere else in your life at this point? What is it that’s stressing you out presently?
I am still with my squadron. I was often chewed out, or put on report because I lacked motivation for doing anything. Currently, I’m stressed about promotions. If I wasn’t such a slack ass I would’ve been Staff Sargent by now, but I’m still an Airman 1st Class. Being in the program is single handedly the greatest thing I’ve ever done. I love the USA, and I think the guys at the squadron are some of the best people to walk the earth. But my depression and lack of motivation makes them a bit disappointed at me, and making them hate me is so painful.
You are where you are, but on the plus side, you seem to know exactly what you need to do to improve your standing, no? Depression is like a cancer that replicates out of control – it just swarms everything and makes everything seem more complicated and difficult than it actually should be. Take your pride for your position and try to funnel that into everything you do – make how you feel an image of the way you do the things you need to do – and you’ll find that sweet spot in the sails. It’s hard finding the way to that point, but it’s not impossible.