I’m awake.

I have always been alone, lack of social life, have only 3 actual friends that I don’t want them to worry too much. My family would mock me for my thoughts and caused me to regret many choices. I have always been questioning what I actually wanted to do, but I don’t know. I suffer from fear, day to day endlessly. I fear about my future, what’s my point in living? I lack confidence indeed, but I truly don’t have any special skills. It was all fine to me, I can shed a few tears at night and get over all of my sadness and worries… Yes, I had my hopes written over a blank page, in invisible ink. Though, sucidal thoughts just won’t leave me alone and caused insomnia.

Until recently, someone that is very similar to me have appeared. This person saved me when I was suffering from thinking too much and we talked nearly everyday. The relief saved me, my suicidal thoughts completely disappeared. I begin to think about this person everyday, the voice runs inside my head endlessly. Then this person disappeared for a while, it was quite painful but a text message came after a week. It was just simply “I was sick.”, I became worried.

I thought, “maybe I’ll go play video games with my friends to go through this.” Indeed, me and this person also plays the same game together sometimes. And I saw this person already online with a whole group, continued for 2 weeks straight. You hid from me on the IM program. I feel betrayed, I am lied to. You said I would be preferred over the others to talk to, but the truth came in front of me. No, I’m not controlling,  but why would you lie to me just like everyone else? I thought you understands me, that I can’t stand any more lies. That I don’t want to be taken for granted anymore. I talked to you whenever you call for me, but you begin to hide when I actually need you.

This experience reminds me of how painful it has always been, I’m now awake. I learned that I should never put hopes in someone anymore. I won’t  be fooled anymore. I’ll remain to live, regardless of pain, I just want to experience true happiness that won’t betray me. Is it so wrong that everyone has to stop me from it?