It is my first post here. I’ve discovered this website when I was attending my linguistic class. I’m a student, from abroad. I think many of you are American, and I hope my presence in here won’t disturb you. By the way, I apologize for the mistakes I may make, or the ones I may have already made, and I hope you’ll be tolerant. I’m specialising in the English world, especially the USA and the UK. I love my linguistic classes, I love my studies. But I got depressed, somehow. I thought about suicide, wrote it in Google search, and found that website. I read a few posts, and felt bittersweet. People in here seem to be true, their testimonies filled with humanity and genuineness.
I am not suicidal. I have quite a hard past though. My family is not what a kid may dream of. I educated myself. It was hard at school, also. I was highly depressed and attempted suicide several times. I reached the bottom of everything. People didn’t like me, they still don’t. I was ugly, I didn’t pay attention to my appearance, contrary to them. Now, I am quite good-looking, but I am still different. Now, people want to talk to me, to hang out with me. I just don’t want. Contrary to the past, I wanted to be like them, they didn’t want me to be around. Now, they want to be with me, but I don’t want them to be around. I am indifferent. They think I am nasty. They don’t like me. I deserve it, right ?
I work a lot. I want to succeed in my studies, and I have two jobs outside of my studies. I am tired. People respect me more than they ever did. My detractors are proved wrong, the ones I used to admire I now despise. I feel quite proud.
A great man found me. We’ve formed a happy couple for about 2 years. I love him. But, when you have such a hard past, it is hard to erase the scars. My GP put me on sick leave. I was too depressed, she dealt with burn-out stuffs. It feels good, but I know I will have to get back to work soon. I can’t stand it anymore. I still have strong anxiety issues. I just can’t see any way out.
I’m turning bad. Perhaps I have always been bad. Most of the people who knew me would agree that I’m bad. They are making me bad. I am fed up with appearances, with stupidity, with lies, with hypocrisy. I want to believe in justice, in Good, in honesty and reliability. I want people to care about something else than themselves, I want people to care about the world and about what’s good or bad. But I am alone with such needs. Such needs and qualities are despised. And I should be ashamed. I am the one who should be ashamed.
—- And that, too, is getting me deeply tired. I need a sick leave off our societies…
11 comments
Why would you deserve them not liking you? I think they deserve you not liking them. Society is making people crazy at an alarming rate these days. If you know about American culture, you know one of our traditions is to go completely insane and kill people in office buildings or movie theaters. We have no society anymore. We have a reasonable facsimile. I think it’s probably much the same everywhere in the world.
Well… You know, people always have that strange power to make victims feel guilty… And even if I’m aware of that, even if I do believe in my values and convictions, I’ve spent most of my young life thinking I was “the bad” person. My parents used to call me “the flaw of the family”, especially my dad. I was the one who saw a therapist, I was the crazy one. And the people who drove me crazy are the “good” guys, in that world.
How can we maintain a good society when people are proud of their defects and ashamed of their qualities ? People reject intelligence and curiosity, somebody who cares about the world and who wishes to learn is regarded as a highbrow. Somebody who dances like a monkey, who fucks everything that moves, who drinks like a swine, who is superficial is cool. Kindness and generosity are old-fashioned and a sign of weakness. While brutality, stupidity and rudeness are THE value everybody has to abide by if they want to be respected. Notice the definition of “respect” most people have. Most people get the verbs “respect” and “impose” all mixed up.
How can there be any society based on such “values” ? It can’t work. It just can’t. And I am so tired of being the “crazy” one, the “dangerous” one (yes, I’ve been regarded as dangerous… Not kiddin’…).
I know they’re wrong, but it hurts
It does work, though – people reject contemporary values all the time in favor of more reasonable, civil ones, or our society would be constant chaos all the time. And you know the people who made you crazy, as you say, are the same as anyone else – nobody is the bad guy in this scenario. There are victims on top of victims on top of victims, victimizing each other. There’s always the choice to simply stop going with that flow, and finding another flow that’s more amenable to common sense.
Freedomseeker, that was a very passionate and aware retelling of the current societal structure. I think you are very talented in that you see all those flaws in society, as that shows your consciousness is so far from the “strangeness” of our society, and that is a great thing. You are someone who is awake in the world and see’s more. This is a good step in your individual evolution to be in and many others would be so grateful to see through your eyes. It is important to know this about youself as it seeds worth in you as YOU HAVE SO MUCH WORTH in this world. From the way you write it seems you are a truthseeker as well. I am right there with you being the ‘crazy’ one in my family but I’ve realized all the judgements are projections from others who can not yet face their own inner world. They all will, for many the crazy is merely awareness on another level that forces one to evaluate intrinsically the deep rooted karmas in this word on Earth. You are a special seed, please keep growing, it is your right.
Amen with that, lorax.
I always say it is fairly easy to find really good people, if you yourself have good intentions and the right values. Those must be born, but also keeping to their souls the whole life, otherwise they would also put a blame on a black-holed society and its corrupted influence and turned ‘bad’. The society consist of individuals and everybody has a responsibility for creating it 24/7 and thus making the world the way it is…
My life? Hard, truly hard and disconcerting, mostly without me participating in the faults and mistakes (which makes me suicidal).
But still able to find great people that holds this worthless world in its hinges. Actually can feel them across 1 km.
But yeah, must start with one’s self, putting an end to blaming and revenges and petty hate. Only then you will be able to breathe again…
* also didn’t want to use :”Amen to that.” But it seems they do not fairly use With…
Nothing surprises me here. It’s a dog-eat-dog society.
That’s not to say I don’t empathise 🙂
I didn’t want to deny personal qualities. I was dealing with an outline of society. Society in general, but I do know there are plenty of good individuals. I really speak in general, it would be endless to try and talk about every single individual, and I am nothing to judge individuals. I was just giving my thought about a general trend.
Sorry if I shocked anybody…
Freedomseeker – I understand exactly how you feel. You feel crazy because you aren’t selfish enough to just deal with yourself like most people. You have a sense of the world and think about injustices on an overall level. The world tells you not to, to just deal with yourself, so you do feel crazy. I understand. I can’t say much more. I am sick of giving people advice that doesn’t work for me, so definitely not them. One thing that I think that has kept me here is the message from a song by singer/ jazz musician George Benson – ‘Everything Must Change.’
once you finally see things as they really are, positivity seems ridiculous.
Hell yeah!! “Positivity” is a dirty word for me.