Sober

A vast majority if my life as been spent sedate.  This may seem like a bad thing. Perhaps it has stifled my coping mechanism. Either way the reality I the situation is this. when I was 16 I attempted Suicide. My parents foun me my stomach was pumped an I spent 9 weeks in the mental ward at the hospital, as long as another 5 months at a day treatment program. Truthfully at that time I wanted help. it seemed to me the more that I tried to use the services around me. The worse I really was, or the worse the people overseeing me thought I was. As I talked in group and private therapy my release date was pushed back. Once I finally realized that this was all bullshit and these people weren’t able to help. Nor did they really want to. It was their JOB, and I was treated like any unwanted job. Ehh I dot want to talk with Andrew.  So I began playing the system to be able to remove myself  from the “care” that was be provided. Shortly after I started acting better u was released and sent back to school. This is were I developed my coping skill that has made me this far. Substance abuse. In its simplest for it didnt matter what I was doing as long as it wasn’t reality. Reality had nothing left to offer me besides pain. Mostly pot and alcohol but I did become a Hudge fan of extasy as well. The years have come and gone. I’ve done all I can to starve the deppression to keep the suicidal thoughts and tendencies at bay. Mostly I was able to another six pack. Roll up another joint were good. I’m 30 now with a good job and life moving forward. The problem is life I don’t know how to deal with stress and events in life that make it “okay” to be sad. I fall I fall deep into this depression and I don’t pull myself out. I feel no one can pull me out. Regardless the substance abuse has stopped. I’ve made my mind to be clear headed and not let drugs and alcohol conyrol my life. My actions. But it has and I’ve nowhere to turn As these emotions these dark feeling once again take center stage. The beast he’s Hungary I’ve starved him and now he’s free. Free to destroy and relationship left in my life. Quite honestly the depression is giving way to rage at this point I’ve never been so mad in all my life. Over anything and everything. Have you ever been so angry tears steam down your face? This is my reality at least twice a day I go through these breakdowns   Suicide is unrealistic at this time. I have set a date though after my life insurance policy pays out for suicide. Im studying ways and methods for how I will finish the job I’m leaning towards CO2. I’m not a fan of firearms for that just flat out messy and a bummer fir someone to find me. I move towards this date, my experation date, with joy. Joy because I know in a few short months I will be able to end this failed experiment. This rant that makes little to no sense to the common man.  Inow spend my time in the job that I’m terrified to loose now due to the insurance that will be provided. And doing all I can to isolaE. As a people pleased my worse thought about suicide is those I leave the one who like life  angry sad or whatever after my actions at leastI won’t have to be around to experience that