This isn’t really all sunshine and flowers.

I’m not sure where to exactly start on this, I could go through my life story and all that to be honest it isn’t nearly as bad as what others have experienced, but i’ll see where it goes.

I was born under odd circumstances, the cord was strangling me so my mother had to have an operation to get me out. After what i believe to be a year they discovered that I was kind of deaf, so they inserted gromits into my ears to get rid of the wax and i could hear fine afterwards, but because of this i had learning difficulties. I was under the autistic spectrum for some years until i progressed enough to be considered not autistic later on.

Things were fine until High School. I was severely bullied by everyone in the school, including the people who i considered friends back then. I guess i only stuck around with them because I didn’t want to admit to myself that i was really alone back then. Ontop of this, when i first joined high school, my mother and her boyfriend fell out, but because they had joint ownership of the house they lived together. Now i was a lot more close to the boyfriend, and when the fights happened i would take his side. There were all kinds of things happening in the home, but mainly I had to witness verbal and sometimes even physical abuse. My mother had begun to shut down, and was dating another man, the thing however is that she would dote on his children, taking our things and giving it to them etc. So me and my sister felt as bad as you could guess. It all kept escalating slowly, and then one night all hell broke loose. The ex-boyfriend flipped one night and started attacking my mother, my sister is sat there in shock and my mother is trying to protect herself from it, I watched but i ran forward and held his arms behind his back to try to stop the conflict. Things calmed down slightly but my mother called the police, and he was taken away that night for assault. Its been 8 years since that happened, and you must remember that I was attached to him so it all became a massive shock to me.

This was more or less the start of so much sorrow. I had started to self harm at the young age of 12 and I have my very bad bouts of depression throughout high school. A good example of this is that for around a year all i would do is come home and go straight to bed, i wouldn’t even bother eating sometimes. My whole summer holidays that year was spent in my bed, what i would do was daydream about a fantasy world, plan out stories and be a character in them, and everything turned out lovely. Since i was so smitten with the boyfriend my relationship with my mother was almost nothing.  We would have a lot of fights, some physical, and i would even run away from my home at times.

Everything became better once I hit college though. I’m typically a shy and reserved person, but on the first day at college i went out of my comfort zone to try and make a friend, and it worked. I met a lovely guy, and because of him i was introduced into a whole group of people, and i was happy for some time in the group. I was all really going well the first year, i had a boyfriend for the first time, and friends who genuinely cared about me. The second year was where it all went downhill.

I guess i’m too sensitive or something. Around April multiple people cut me off from their lives. It was mainly the people in high school, and it did its numbers on me. I began to drink more, and i stayed in my bedroom awake until the very early hours thinking of how much of a monster i am. Due to this, i became more distant to the friends that care, and my relationship with my boyfriend crumbled. I had never experienced so much hurt in my entire life.  Everyday felt like such a chore, like it wasn’t worth it. My self harm tendencies went through the roof, and I didn’t know what to do. In September last year, i had attempted suicide. My arms were a mess, and I was looking for a bridge to jump off, one of my friends had calmed me down however. I was taken to hospital to clean the wounds, and in the ambulance my mother had two seizures due to the stress. I had picked up a little that year, and tried to make something of myself.

Now as you can guess judging by the fact that i am this website that things aren’t going well. For the past month, maybe two, i’ve been dealing with a lot of stress, from trying to find work, to juggling friends, and trying to keep my mood up. I currently deal with low self esteem, and quite a few anxiety attacks. Although i haven’t been diagnosed, some people in my life believe i have depression. Although everyone says i seem better than i was last year, i’m not really, to the point of which i’m considering suicide.  Now i know i’m only 19, i haven’t experienced nearly as much pain as others, but i genuinely do not see the point in furthering my life anymore.  I don’t find any joy or happiness in anything, and have been so for a very long time. I know that if i did i would hurt others, that i’d be selfish, that i would eliminate all chances of happiness in the future, but to be honest i think all of that is worth not existing anymore. You wouldn’t let an animal needlessly suffer would you? No you would put it down.  I hope to be forgotten if i passed away,  and i guess I just want to not live everyday pretending that i have a future or a chance of being happy now. In order to make sure that this is truly what I want, i’m giving myself a week to think and decide upon it. I’m giving myself this much time so i know it isn’t just a rash decision i’m making due to my current feelings. If i still want to go, then i’ll be making preparations to do so and hopefully do it successfully. If i have doubts of any kind, or feel like i want to live, then i’ll most likely go to try and get myself help as such. For the time being i’ll be thinking about it, methods, what i’d do, if its truly want i wish for etc.

I’m not sure entirely why i’m writing this on this page, but i think its just my way of setting the ideas in stone really.