Hi I am a 47 year old woman who just wants to shuffle this mortal coil once and for all, but I feel trapped here because I don’t have access to a method that would enable a quick exit.
I am pleased to meet you all and I feel really sad for the people who feel that they want to leave the earth plane, and I really hope that you all can find a reason for living because i am sure that most of you really shouldn’t be here planning your suicide as you all deserve a happy life with loved ones around you.
I would rather not jump off a building or under a train because of the damage that does to the people who find me.
Well, i don’t really have loved ones, but I do have blood relatives.
My parents brought me up in a bizzare way, they did not want me to grow up. They made sure I was not prepared to stand up for myself or to deal with life in general. They wanted me to stay with them for the rest of my life, and i did stay with them a long time, but had to get away in the end because I couldn’t stand their horrible treatment of me.
The result is an child in an adults body who just cannot cope with life and its challenges.
I have struggled all my life and tried my hardest to overcome the problems my parents caused me as a child, but I missed the window of opportunity where a child learns how to cope as an adult.
My bizzare upbringing was so deeply ingrained that I reached my late thirties, early forties before I realised what my problems were.
Every time I ask myself how my family would be affected, I remember how abusive they are, and would be if I was still in touch with them, and I think that if a parent ruins a childs life and damns all the childs chances of growing in to a healthy adult, then, they should expect that child to be depressed and should really not be suprised if they commit suicide at some stage in their lives.
My sister once freaked out when I told her I was suicidal in 2010, and she made me make a pact with her that I would never do it. She got hysterically upset at the thought of me killing myself.
The thing is, she bullied me and still talks down to me now. She is a *****. I am going to break the pact with her.
Maybe she is worried that she made my life worse in some way and she can’t handle it. She did, and so she should face the consequences.
Every individual member of my family has made my life worse in some way, especially my parents.
I don’t want to upset my family as my dad died in January, but he was not a nice person, and niether is my mum. My four siblings never listened to me, and I feel totally alone.
Every time I make friends, the friendship ends because they talk over me, or they arrive at a meeting place late and make me wait, without bothering to text me to let me know they are running late. They also emotionally manipulate me.
Make new friends I hear you say, but I try and they all treat me the same way, like I am not a person.
I have been suicidal loads before, and I repeatedly tell myself that life really is worth living. I always come back to being suicidal though.
I realise that the times I am not suicidal, I am just kidding myself that life is good when really it isnt.
I am a woman and all I have got to look forward to is ill health and loneliness and possibly homelessness too.
I make a lot of mistakes because I am just not adult enough to cope with everyday things, and these mistakes have bad consequences, so I don’t want to live any longer just to make more mistakes because the mistakes make me even more miserable.
I have not attempted suicide, because I know there are very few reliable methods. I once started putting my plans into practice, by arranging to get all the equipment together for a method I had chosen, but I could not get one important specific piece of equipment. If I had been able to get it, I would be definitely dead by now. That was in 2010. I am staying vague about the method used, because I don’t want to give random surfers or vulnerable people ideas for them to go ahead an kill themselves.
I know alot of people who think they are suicidal but they resolve their problems and end up glad they are still alive.
That’s not me, I know that I am ready to go. It feels like life itself is hinting for me to go. I have been practicing another method but I am very frustrated because I cannot get it right.
Many times, I even put off practicing, in case i can’t face the dissappointment of not being able to get it right so I can ensure a successful suicide.
Again, I don’t want to disclose this method.
I’ve been reading information on sites about how best to do this method, but have got nowhere.
I used to be on suicide methods hideout but I see that no new posts have been made there, so I wonder what has happened to that site.
Please, anyone, don’t try to coax me into not doing it, because I am past that, and have been past it a long time now. I know what I have to do, but I just cannot find the right method and am extremely upset that I just cannot find a quick and easy way to go.
10 comments
I will propose an alternate approach to dealing with an unacceptable life: “Death Game.”
In the event any human arrives upon the irreconcilable conclusion that life is and will remain unacceptable for the duration, the decision is made and solidified: “i want this to end.”
However, once you’ve decided you’re definitely willing to push the exit button, what’s left to lose? You’re ready to shed your own identity, possibly (likely) facing eternal extinction and unconscious nonexistence. So… while you can still experience and think and do things, you might as well have some fun with it, right? You know you’re going to quit the only game you’ll ever play, so before you go, you might as well go nuts. Or rather, fearlessly do whatever you want, until the end; it’s actually possible (and likely) that your life could significantly improve through living in such a way… and even if it doesn’t, fuck it! Right? If you’re really ready to go, that gives you a type of special advantage over others who live fearfully and through the filters of hyper-self-preservation.
Cross streets without looking, eat undercooked food, say whatever you want to any and everyone, and with the most self-satisfied, smug, shit-eating grin you can make. Laugh at inappropriate jokes, tell inappropriate jokes; make people uncomfortable by being overly direct or “uncouth.”
Troll the world. And in the process, you might just find that people respect you more, for being unafraid to just do whatever the fuck you want. You might find that you feel better about yourself, and that others find you more appealing.
You know it’s not going to change by doing the same things you’ve been doing, the same ways you’ve been doing… so try the opposite. I mean… what’s the worst that could happen? 😉
Thanks for writing. The things that come our way in this life can bring us to suicide over and over and over. I don’t know what that is? Maybe it’s like running a 10 mile road race. Starting out is fine, but all through the race I am constantly talking myself out of quitting, just pulling up to walk the rest of the way. But the thought to quit keeps returning and the self talk to keep going comes back. Most of the time the “keep going” thought wins.
So, what is that quit thought? I would like to either find the source of it and pull the plug so it never comes into my head or turn up the volume so loud that I take action.
Thanks for telling your story. I hope you figure it out and do what’s best for you.
Hi there lady. What can anyone say to that. Obviously your mind is not made up otherwise you’d already be dead. Saying there are no reliable methods is more of a denial than anything else. To the mind that has chosen to die, pain is not an issue wether it is to your own pain or the pain of others. People have been known to starve themselves to death once the will to live left them. I acknowledge your story as being extremely undesirable and to your subjective self probably more horrible than you can convey through words to someone so lacking of empathic capacity as myself. But I think what you really need is a big fat slap in the face. Something sufficiently big to allow you to make a real definite choice. Be it life or death. No one can give you a meaning to your life than yourself and if it could be done consciously I don’t think there would be so many people on this forum.
You say you could become homeless. Maybe try it out. I know it sounds messed up but its a way less stressful lifestyle than most people are bound to think. You might feel free for the first time in your life. Just choose the location wisely. By the way although I’m kidding there, it might be true. Anyhow there’s only three outcomes I can think of when your life has become unbearable. Put an end to it. Change your life. Or live with it.
I’m not sure my comment was helpful to you, but it felt helpful to myself. I want to thank you for that. Good luck
To Randall up there. Just a little piece of humour for the day.
That quit thought is what makes life worth running. Without it you’d want to quit
😀
@nark1 hmm…ironic, eh?
@ nark PAIN is a huge, huge issue. And some of us have NO reliable means of suicide whatsoever. Believe me I am deformed and have had surgery after surgery. I have been desperate to die since I was a toddler. If I tried to starve myself I’d be force fed by my “loving” family. I cannot get to a building to jump off (and if I am ever able, just imagine the horror I will go through to die). I have tried hanging but it has never worked. I have tried many methods that I had to stop because of PAIN (such as suffocation). Please don’t say that if we really wanted to die we can achieve it. It just doesn’t work that way. If it weren’t fear of pain stopping me I’d try stabing myself to death, but I am afraid that I’d get started and be overwhelmed by agony. Most suicide methods such as drinking poisoinous substances do cause agony. And so many times they ultimately fail. The humane ways of death, like ********, most of us can’t get access to.
YOu should see how many of us are critically disabled and spend our days alone in bed groaning and talking to ourselves, grabbing our painful bellies and pulling out hair or self injuring. Most of us do not want to be alive. Most of us have no choice. Unless we can get someone to kill us, we’re stuck.
You know what they say. “If you act like a victim, you’re likely to be treated like one” and that’s what’s happening to you. I know your parents and siblings had a large part to play in it but you’re a grown up now, like it or not and it’s up to you to take control. I’m not saying it’s easy, particularly after the story you just told but it’s what you need to do, one way or the other, live or die. No one will do this for you. No one will hold your hand.
To say you’re a member of the hideout and still can’t find a suitable suicide method is, for want of a better word…….horseshit. I’m a member there. Not only are there updated posts daily but there’s more information about suicide methods there than in The Peaceful Pill Handbook. From ******** suppliers, inert gas setup instructions, cyanide, carbon monoxide, hanging, darvon cocktails……the lot. All you need do is use the search function.
As for going homeless, I wouldn’t advise it. I’ve been homeless before and it’s no walk in the park. But the amount of calories you burn up from being outside all the time is truly amazing 🙂 I ate many a homeless day center out of house and home. lol. You don’t get much in the way of sleep though, at least, not in the city. For a man, it’s ok but for a woman…..not good. You’ll have every homeless lech sniffing around you and they have a sixth sense for vulnerability.
I hope I haven’t offended you with what I’ve said, I don’t mean to. I truly feel for you and hope you can take back control someday.
Please can you give me an upto date link for the hideout?
I keep ending up on a page with old posts, newest being december 2013.
I would appreciate a link please.
Thank you
I’m not sure if it’s allowed so it might end up getting deleted. Here goes anyway.
groups(dot)google(dot)com/forum/#!forum/suicide-methods-hideout
Hi, thank you I really appreciate that.
Can I use thiopental?