I wanted to be normal

I thought I would become normal? I thought I would my life would be special and important? I realize now I was wrong. I’m damaged in a way that is not fixable.

It all started when I was just about 3 years old. I have memories of my mother loving me in a ways mother isn’t supposed to love her own flesh and blood. She was my molester, she touched me in ways that I did not know were appropriate. I thought her affection towards me was normal. I had no idea my mother was sick and committing a crime so unspeakable that I would forever be riddled with a question that could not be answered, why??? Can you imagine the confusion of a young boy not understanding what love is? She touched me in front of her so called boyfriend.

Once I got older I realized what had happened to me at a young age was not ok. I realized I was one of those freak shows you see on a day time talk show. I realized I am not normal. It didn’t stop there. My mother became addicted to hard drugs we went from owning a house to renting a small trailer in a trailer park. I took her medication on what everyone called a cry for help and overdosed, nearly ending my life. I survived. Only to ensure and bear more pain. My mother had a second child whom I took care of. My brother was everything to me. I changed his diapers, I bathed him, I tucked him in at night. I would get home from school at age 11 and find him in the same diaper he was in when I left. I would come home and find him not feed and my mom and her boyfriend locked in the bathroom smoking crack cocaine. I wanted to shake the sense into her and kill the man creating a monster. I stood back a realized my mother was gone and I was all by myself in this very real and scary world. I had but one mission to protect my younger brother and myself at all costs.

One day I came home and all of our stuff was gone. Our food, toys, even furniture. It was traded for drugs. My whole child sold before my eyes. And my brother childhood not even a thought to my mom. We were broke, poor, standing at the welfare office. The sacrifices my grandparents made coming here from overseas just gambled away like a stack of chips.

I thought that maybe now I can try to be like everyone else and be normal. My whole life I’ve hidden my incestuous past. And I just hoped to one day overcome. I gathered the strength to leave my mother and her boyfriend. I had romaji a huge sacrifice in order to leave the custody of my mother. My younger brother had a different father, so I couldn’t bring him with me to live with my dad. I had to make a decision that I truly do not wish anyone should have to make. To leave my blood brother in foster care and hope that he would find a better future without me. I have not seen or spoken to him since he was 4 years old, it’s been over 10 years

I finally moved in with my dad. I thought I was finally saved. I was actually about to receive the worst news of all. On a day I wish I could forget my dad breaks the news to me. He says son, I love you, and nothing is going to change the way I feel about you. He says when your mother and I grew up the times were different and we were wild. He says we were swingers. He says they decided to stop. He says my mother did not. He says I may not be your father. He says I’m sorry you have to hear this. He says everything will be ok. He says I’m always going to be your dad. I say I know. I say it still hurts. I say why does my life have to be so painful.

The truth that my life was flawed took over my every decision. It was then my mother asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness that I did not have to give. I became angry at her. My anger has grown and grown and grown. My anger has engulfed my life and holds onto me. I’ve tried so free myself from this aggressive, but my anger is toxic and has destroyed everything. Instead of freeing myself from despair I’ve fallen into a vicious cycle of anger, frustration, and abuse. I am sorry to my wife; she tried her best to help me and she was patient, and she loved me. I am sorry to my son; it wasn’t supposed to be like this. And to my step daughter I am especially sorry I made the same mistakes as your dad. I thought I could be a bigger man and parent to you when you needed him most. I can only hold the weight of my own destruction for so long. But I can not continue to destroy the people, I care most for, around me.