Every time I set out to write, a book comes spilling out. I’ve deleted four fucking entries. The problems are too vast. I need to talk to someone who cares about me, someone I can be honest with, but there is no one. There is only my sister, and she has mental problems of her own and gets frustrated with other problems easily and then won’t talk to me for a long time in order to recover. I am so alone. My best friend abandoned me and I have no future. I’m 31 and my “boyfriend” treats me like crap. We both live with his mom because there is nowhere else to go. I have always paid her rent and he wasn’t. I had to beg him to get a job for a year and a half and now that he has one apparently “I owe him.” I fucking hate everyone.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
10 comments
I get it. Too much to say and too little space, you wonder if people will lose interest. It’s hard to find a friend who is a good person to talk to about stuff like this, trying to fix things or critique you. And I happen to agree with you about hating everyone. As Bill Maher said, “People are the problem that just won’t go away.”
If you need to write a book about your problems, then do it! Get everything off your chest and don’t hold back.
Sadly the only advise I can offer about your “Boyfriend” is, if he’s that much of a burden, you may want to consider leaving him. If getting a job is low priority for him, then he has no real future.
I know this, about the “boyfriend,” I mean. There is literally nowhere else for me to live. I live in a very expensive area, no education, fast food job. I have no ID and supposedly my social security number doesn’t work (my mother claims that she believes my father sold our sisters numbers when we were young, and I don’t know if this is true, but it IS something he would do and all three of us had subsequently had troubles with that). I got this job right before I lost my ID, and I had just recently moved. No paperwork to get a replacement one. And I’m just too fucking depressed to keep jumping through all of these bureaucratic hoops in order to move…… anywhere. No family or friends to live with, even temporarily, even if I were paying rent, and I’m way too far gone to live with random strangers, which I have considered (renting out a room, etc.). None of this is an exaggeration, or a result of my depression (all in my head, I mean), it is my reality, and that is why it isn’t worth writing a book. Don’t get me wrong, I NEED to get some things off my chest, feels like it’s gonna explode, but that’s why I’m here. But this is all fake. I know this.
I was informed my social didn’t work when I tried to better my life by going to school. I got as far as them accepting my payment for and issuing me a student ID before they told me I wouldn’t be able to attend because my numbers don’t add up. I’m sick of trying-
It’s only as real or as fake as you let it be. We are real people here and a lot of us are willing to listen…. Well read… But you get the point. And no I don’t believe your problems are “just a result of depression.” I hate it when people just try to sum up others problems saying ” it’s only in your head.” I know that your problems are real.
That’s not what I meant, and I am grateful for the semblance of support that exists here. But I think we all know that we need more than this. We are all here in the first place because we feel so alone, and while it is nice that this online community exists, I don’t think anyone would argue that we need “real world” comforts, and this is more what I mean. As nice as everyone here seems to be, I need real friendship with real humans, not online ones. Again, this is just the way I talk, and I hope I don’t sound totally ungrateful, because I’m really not. I am here because I am desperate and alone, and while I am grateful for your help, I am fully aware I am not solving any problems this way, not really. Again, hence *fake* Thank you for understanding they are not all in my head. There are certainly plenty of them up there, but obviously, real world problems feed into them and vice versa, and they are obviously no less “real.”
@MoiBelle: but we are here cos we dont have that support system in the real world as u say. I used to think like u. I thought only losers, including me, come online. my ex told me tat people who have serious issues connecting with people in the real world wander in the virtual world. I don’t know how much this is true. but ever since coming to this site, I have reallized there are some genuine people. and they might not be able to help u as the “real” people can, but they do help in some ways….and at this point I think all of us need every lil bit of help that we can get.
No, I’m sorry, I don’t think ANY of you are losers. Or lesser, just because you’re online. I’m aware that everyone is real behind the text. I think maybe I’m just speaking to MY needs, and if this is the case, maybe this just isn’t the place for me either. But it’s cool. Really 🙂 I may not post again, as this really isn’t helping me maintain my job for my rent or make new friends. I think I just realized I’m actually here for real world advice because the only thing left after that is suicide. I’ve tried being an “adult,” but when you’ve never been taught, and then you realize you literally can’t move forward at all because you’re fucked for various reasons, you get left alone by your “friends,” you come here, here doesn’t help (or maybe it does, and seriously, kudos to you), and then you go away. Here helps a tiny bit, but it certainly doesn’t erase any of the experiences I’ve had that are still affecting me (i.e. the fact that it’s even POSSIBLE that my father would sell my social, let alone a myriad of other real problems I haven’t even touched). But I genuinely thank you guys for listening to even this snippet. It’s much, much more than my “friends” have been able to scrape up for more than two years now. So it’s appreciated 🙂
do u love ur boyfriend? do u see him changing? I think u should move out. start anew. even if it means starting from scratch. what about some legal advice concerning ur social security n ur family problems? it’s not ur fault. there must be something tat can be done. don’t rely too much on friends. they r never there when u need them.
It pains me a lot to say this since i was in a similar situation, but in the opposite end (i was the irresponsable boyfriend, different situation tho, i was depressed and physically ill).
I think you should re-evaluate if you really love him or not, and if not trying to find a way out of there, that’s what my ex-gf did (a few people helped her, but she moved out mostly on her own). When she did i realized many things that were wrong but it was too late, so maybe your bf will react when you are moving out as well. If not, and you don’t love him, well… it’s the best on the longrun (at least that’s what i think).