LET ME DIE

I am so fucking DONE. I want to die.. well I don’t want to die, but I want this pain to go away. I want the constant numbness, guilt, sadness, and every other emotion to stop. I want these voices to go away and leave my head. I want my father to actually love me! Hell I want my family to actually love me! All they do is tell me that I’m a waste of time, money, and space. They don’t support me. They don’t encourage me to live my dream. They don’t encourage me to get involved with my church, instead they act like it’s the biggest burden in the world to drive me there for things other than service. My family isn’t even half of it. I’m tired of people using me. I’m tired of guys trying to get one thing out of me. I still have flashback of when my ex tried to rape me.. I have flashback of the guy who stalked me for months and cornered me. I have flashback of what my uncle did to me. I keep thinking of all the guys who thought it would be funny to act as if they liked me then embarrassed me in front of the whole school. I think of the guy who lifted my shirt in the hallway at school. I think of all the people who call me a whore and a slut even though I am still a virgin!! And how whenever I get close to someone they move or just straight up leave. I think of how I’m constantly called a failure. I think of all the people who used to beat the shit out of me at school everyday. All the people that left me alone to join the popular crowd. I think of all the people who would throw pieces of glass and rocks at me. The people who would throw all of my stuff into the trash can and tell me that it’s all garbage just like me. All the people who tell me to kill myself on a daily basis… And then over all I think of my 3 friends who successfully committed suicide… I think of how I was on the phone with Lucy when it happened. I can still hear the conversation. I can still hear her mumble out the word “goodbye” through her sobbing. I can hear her kick the chair out and the phone fall to the floor. I can still see the last message Evan ever sent me and the message that Hunter’s brother sent me to let me know what happened. I think of how I never see my brother anymore, how me and my sister fight all the time, and how my parents fight constantly. How my dad calls my mom a fucking ***** and how she threatens to leave his abusive ass through her tears. I think of how we’ve had to move in with my grandparents because we can’t afford a place of our own. I think of how I get blamed for everything and how I hide in my room blasting music to escape it all. I think of all the people who have left me. I think of how fucking easy it would be.. I have it planned… I only have a few things stopping me. I haven’t met my Austin Carlile (as stupid as that may seem to others, that man is my idol and his music has helped me through a shit ton of things) I think of how the guy I’ve liked for almost a YEAR now has a girlfriend and told me he could never be with a girl like me. How he calls me his little sister and comes to me about everything but can’t seem to see that I’m not like his ex and that I’m clearly not leaving him once he tells me about his past. since he has told me about his past and i’m still here. I think of how he dated my friend when my friend knew how I felt. I think of all the guys who just used me to embarrass me in front of everyone and look cool. And the everyone wonders why I don’t think someone is going to love me. I am just so fucking done. I literally have everything planned out. I just don’t have a date yet.. but it’s coming. I can’t take this hell anymore.. :'(